my biggest embarrassment to myself

[coby613]

i'm so glad i found this site, especially during this auspicious time of Elul.  I never really thought i had a problem before (I'm BT), but once i did tshuvah i realized that i was addicted.  i don't think this is a regular story though.  not only was i looking at and downloading innappropriate things, i was looking at MEN.  this started when i was 14.  When I was 15, my best friend decided to "experiment" without mutual consent, and i ended up being molested.  I guess that, deep down, i realized where it was going and wanted it.  that made me feel horrible.  ever since then, i have been addicted to gay pornography.  I actually "came out" at one point 2 years ago, and started acting up in dangerous and unhealthy behaviors.  I felt so horrible and torn.  And i just couldnt stop watching and downloading and specifically seeking out movies and television shows on the subject and the positive image.  now, with nearly 2 years gone of me breaking free from that lifestyle, i still find myself downloading the same things.  I do use koshernet, but there are ways to get around it, except for sites that really ARE kosher and then it's a big pain.  I feel so degraded and i sincerely wish to be broken of this habit.  I've been learning "The Light Of Ephraim" by Simcha H Benyosef.  It is a beautiful mussar on the subject of shomer habris and i highly reccomend it.  I just was curious (cause i feel like im the only one), is there anybody here who has had a similar issue? I would like some support by anyone, but someone who knows the feeling firsthand is always best.  Thanks, Coby613

[LeivTahorBeraLi]

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[coby613]

thank you.  my problem is now, i have a beautiful girlfriend, baruch Hashem.  she really loves me and I her.  I just cannot stop looking at the filth and am embarrassed to think that i once craved the activity.  I do not believe i am a true homosexual, nor do the people who know what has been going on.  i lived the life for a year, but snapped back to reality after some close calls.  I realize my mistake and really want to do tshuva, but i am overcome by the lust and the gay porn is the only thing that seems to really interest me.  I feel disgusted by seeking it, by viewing it, and the subsequent actions that follow.  I don't believe that they need to be spelled out.  every Yom Kippur for the past few years (since 16, I'm 25) I literally punch myself during slichos.  I just feel that this is the time to decide that enough is enough, get my act together and have a real, a holy and meaningful life.

[kutan shel hachabura]

Coby613,
first, pleased and honored to meet you. I'm kutan, who continues to be amazed by the honest  and valiant struggles of the people on the site. Your post has kept this feeling going.

I am by no means an expert, but it seems common sense from what you write that you are not a complete and bonafide homosexual. You write this yourself. So you can and will have a beautiful and lasting relationship with your true zivug, with Hashem's help.

What you find troublesome is the fact that your lust takes you down a different road than most.
Please consider these two options :

1) forget about it. Lust is off limits anyway, and what difference does it make if your  poison is different than my poison?  True, its an interesting question as to why, but its not ' lemasah', since we are not going to consume poison, in any fashion. And if we 'fall' and do, we are both going to get up from the poison, be mechazik ourselves even more than before, and do teshuva b'ahava. The poison disappears.

2) if that idea does not go down well, then please, please, please, seek out a counseler / therapist / Rabbi who has experience with molestation victims. I have been in contact with experts in this field, and they have explained to me how molestation torments the victim, how they feel guilt in perceived pleasure from an act they did not initiate or really want and in fact abhor while at the same time feeling pleasure. It drives them crazy, literally.  

You wrote that you had interest in men before the molestation. That means nothing. Young teenagers will frequently experiment, as they begin to come of age. it passes. Just as the terrible twos pass, etc.
I know personally of normal people who are abhorred today by the idea of a man with a man, yet considered men interesting when they were around 14.

The reason you need to deal with this is because if you are not able to simply make peace with the fact that your YH is for a different poison, and with the help of Hashem and the chevra here at GYE you will avoid that poison like the plague,  then it means that the molestation left too strong an imprint on you. Not a problem, you can and will overcome it, but you should  and must get trained assistance in doing so.

Thank you Coby for sharing your so very personal story. Again, you have brought my appreciation for the site and it chevra to even a higher level than before.

With respect and love,
kutan

[Tomim2B]

Coby613, welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story with us.

Kutan, in these few lines, writes some very valuable and insightful points. Kutan - "small" in quantity, yet great in quality.

Please keep a record of your progress for all to see. We want to participate in your journey.

2B

[coby613]

thank you both.  I do not believe it was an accident that i stumbled upon this beautiful site.  I was cleaning out my computer and destroying my backup cds when an article about shomer habris showed up in my email.  I had been learning the light of ephraim by myself when i had the chance, so i decided to investigate the matter further.  I think, and hope, that B'ezras Hashem I will be able to fight it properly instead of floundering about finding my own way.

[guardureyes]

Hi Coby!

Welcome to our community! I'm the admin of the site. Please see this page of our FAQ: It was made for YOU.

Ok, so as you've probably figured out by now, once you've arrived here there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up and up and UP!

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Make sure to read them, they contain a wealth of information on beating this addiction! And I'd love to hear your feedback on them...

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

[coby613]

thank you.

[Eye.nonymous]

A thought comes to mind that might be helpful, from the Vilna Goan on Mishley (1:22,23)

Putting it in my own words:  He explains that, once we do an action, we create a spiritual force which drives us to do it again.  We crave it, simply because we have done it, but not because there is necessarily any real value or any real enjoyment.  However, the greater the aveira, and the greater the mitzvah, the greater is the enjoyment, and the greater is the craving to continue.

So, according to this, your interest in these images doesn't necessarily mean anything about your identity.  It could just be that you've built up a lot of momentum, which may just take time to die down.