Your Opinions are Needed

[PostalServicio]

I'm a new baal tshuva. I've been addicted to porn since I was a kid. I've always wanted to stop looking at porn and masturbating, but I've never been able to stop for even a day, until I became committed to becoming a religious Jew. Now, I'm able to string together one or two weeks at a time until i fail. I think that's quite an accomplishment. But now with my internet filter password out of my hands, I'm committed to going even past that.

But onto the topic at hand...

Well, I'm single and still young (just graduated college). I'm starting to get bombarded with the idea that I should start dating. I'd like to start dating but I personally don't feel like I'm ready.  I feel like I shouldn't be dating or looking to get married before I've taken control of my desires. I've read and heard way too many stories about how this addiction has ruined marriages and caused much damage.

Do you guys think that I'm right to think this way?

[guardureyes]

It is good that you have begun to work on the addiction before marriage, but I think that you should work on dating as well. Both learning control and getting married are important and necessary, but both may take a while... So work on both these things together, and they will compliment each other in the long term. Our Sages strongly encouraged getting married early so that one should be saved from sin.

For the addiction, you have come to the right place! To speed up the process of recovery, join the daily chizuk list at www.guardureyes.com and read through the hundreds of tips on our site. Post here on the forum and you will get lots of chizuk and group support. That's what we are all here for.

May Hashem be with you.

[Mevakesh Hashem]

Postalservicio,

Welcome to the forum, and congratulations on taking the right steps in the right direction to living a life of fulfillment and of closeness to Hashem.

It is important to start dating (in a Kosher manner of course) and seeking a life partner who can help you in your growth and help you deal with life's struggles.

I would recommend though that you seek the guidance of a competent rabbi as you begin the dating process, to guide you inthe right direction.

Chazak V'Ematz!

[Elya]

Welcome to the forum,

Marriage will not solve your addiction problem.  You are on the right track to stop it
before it grows uncontrollably.

If you wait until you get control over your desires, you'll never get married. You cannot
control this.  Only with Hashem's help can you stop and with the support of us, we will
help you through it.  Alone, without individual or group support, it will keep cropping up.

To me the most important thing is not to view sex as the only definition of love.  This is
a disease of intimacy.  I Wanted someone to acknowledge me as a worthwhile human
being, not a human doing. And someone to feel close enough to share my dreams and
not get criticized. I found that person in my wife.

This addiction does ruin marriages and causes pain to everyone involved.  Sometimes
we think its not hurting anyone.  We're alone, no one is watching... but actually the time
away from family and friends... the sexualization of women, etc. does hurt others, but
mostly it hurts us. 

The first step is awareness. Now that you're aware this is an addiction that you cannot
control and it is ruining your life, you're on the road to recovery.  Read everything you
can on this site  and always stay in touch,

Congratulations!  You're finally at home here.

[battleworn]

Welcome home,

I say home because this is exactly where you belong. I'm quite sure that if you're really committed to working on it, it can't ruin your marriage. Actually, if you're headed in the right direction marriage can help. In the mean time I beg you to take full advantage of the tremendous gift that Hashem has given you in bringing you to this forum. Nowhere in the world will you find people that love you, care about you and understand you, as much as here. Read everything and keep us posted on your struggles, successes and any questions. We're with you and as mevakesh says together we'll prevail. Kesiva Vachasima Tova and please daven for all of us and the continued success of GUE's forum and site.  :)CHAZAK VEAMATZ!!!

[PostalServicio]

Thank you for all your responses.

Everyone here is giving me a lot of strength and courage to continue fighting.

So far, I'm on 11 days and counting!

I do agree that i can't expect to ever rid my self of desire, so I should say that I'll wait until the desire is gone. It'll always be there...but I do think that I should make some progress towards gaining control before I take the plunge into dating.

I do consult with a rabbi regularly that knows me pretty well and helped me discover the truth of Yiddishkeit. He has a lot of experience with Baal Teshuvas.  He has advised me to wait so that I become more comfortable in my level of observance, learn more, and I have time to shed my secular views of love/marriage/dating/sex/etc.

I do agree that getting married will help me overcome my desires, so it would be best to happen as soon as possible.

I dont believe that dating/marriage is something to rush into, especially someone like me who is new to all this.

[battleworn]

postalservicio,

When someone overcomes the sex-drive it is considered  (for obvious reasons) "lemaala miderech hateva" -supernatural and in turn Hashem does supernatural things for him. If you take the passion and turn it towards Hashem (which is really deep down the source of the desire) you can experience immense spiritual pleasure and develop an intimate relaitionship with Hashem. Please keep us posted on your progress. Did you see the stuff on jack's thread about 90 days and 21 days. I bet you can do the 21 days right now, you're more than half way there already.b]KEEP GOING!!![/b],[and keep us posted.

[Chazak]

Some of the group have mentioned "getting rid of the sex drive". This, I believe, is impossible for almost all or all of us, including tzadikim. That is the way the Creator Yisboreich made it; we do not know why. The idea is to control it, instead of it controlling us. But one should not feel that he is not
normal because he has the drive.

[snax]

If a person wouldn't have the drive he would never get married and never have children. But like all middos you can use it for the good and for the bad.