Chaim's striving for Life (Chaim)

[Chaim]

Today is number 3
I come home tired and hot, looking for "relaxation". But knowing I have this site as an outlet and connection for Chizuk - kept me straight.
I read Jack's journal - Kol HaKavod! To him and his Helpers.

Behaviour Modification Tip: Identify apriori the times and situations that normally lead to SIN - and make a new habit.
e.g. Instead of going to the computer when I come home tired and pressured - I schedule some other activity (learning over the phone).

Thanks for the permission to be connected and alive!
Chaim

[guardureyes]

Welcome Chaim. From your first succinct post, I can already see we are dealing with someone special. A ba'al Machshava. A great warrior. We embrace you with love. Welcome to Hashem's special corner. I don't know if there's anywhere else Hashem enjoys as much in the world, as looking down at what's going on in this forum.

To REALLY get you going on your journey, please download the GYE handbooks (links below). They lay down the foundation of our work here on GuardYourEyes. I can sense that you won't just be here to "take". From your first post, you are already giving great advice and Chizuk. So please take the time to read through the handbooks carefully. Not only will it change YOUR life, but for a guy as smart as you, it will make you an invaluable asset to our site, and you will be able to help so many others as well!

As today is day #3, let me know if you want to go up on the 90-day chart over here. See the rules over here.

Welcome Home!

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

[Recovered]

Welcome Chaim,

With your attitude and wise "tricks", you will surely succeed.  I have no doubt.  However, make sure to stick with us here, become part of the club and no running away no matter what.  If you ever fail again, chas V'shalom we will be here to catch you.  There is no need to be embarrassed.  We are your new family.  You can feel free to express your emotions openly without getting criticized (I hope!).  We are here to share your pain in your suffering and your joy in your redemption.  You can grow at your own pace and seek advice when you need it.  If you feel we are over stepping our boundaries, let us know.  We are all here to encourage each other and learn from each other.  The beauty of this site is that you can post as little or as much as you want.  You do not have to wait your turn.  You do not need an audience.  So, welcome to the family and POST, POST, POST. 

[bardichev]

reb chaim

my Two REBBES are extending you awarm welcome the HELIGER GUARD and REB ykv-Scwartz you could not have met 2 better people

stay here forever you will be helped .ONE DAY or even ONE hour at a time yess it is difficult but you did the hardest part which is taking your car out of
REVERSE and putting it into DRIVE.

I read (almost )everything people write here.

post away!!!

chazk ve-matz  the menuval the Y"H just lost another heiliger neshama from his trap!!

humble and happy
bardichev

[Noorah BAmram]

Warmest Warmest welcome my dearest brother in battle,

I found this site to be an oasis of strength and sanity!!!
U came to the right place!!
B'Hava Raba
NB

[Chaim]

Today is number 4
I read your replies to my post, and couldn't believe how wide I smiled! The caring words you sent - give me great chizuk, and REAL pleasure.  I wrote how I want to be connected and alive - and this forum gives me tremendous pleasure. Being proactive about the lust addiction is a remedy for the utter helplessness of falling into that deep pit of weakness.
I went about my usual route, including busses (non-mehadrin) and was able to avoid looking on purpose. I am now at the computer happily browsing the site, and getting chizuk at every click.

What a turnaround!

I appreciate the words of caution in the replies, and will try to stay humble - Let GO and Let G-D (as I write those words - I feel my shoulders relax and my breathing calm)

I also see that the replies - especially of Ykv - gently urge me to open up, and show my emotions, admit to them so I can get real deep nourishment.

Well, I am afraid!
 I am even afraid (til now) to admit that I'm afraid. How have I numbed my natural Yiras Shomayim! How have I numbed my fear of being discovered and taken chances that a rational being would never do? I even saw some moftim - like from heaven - getting calls right when I'd be about to fall, or being called away from the dirty screens.... only to go back, just a little more - which could turn into hours!
But I pushed it away with a good measure of stubbornness, snapped at those who interuppted me, and numbed my remorse.

I am trying to feel alive, and that means to feel the hurt and pain - along with the real pleasure of self respect.
I am proud to have joined this community and look for your help and support to make this 90 (=Zaddik in gimatria) day trip

Thanks
Chaim

[Noorah BAmram]

Yedid nafshi thanks for that beautiful touching "share"!!

One of the fundmetal underpinning of the GUE attitude is, that a tzadik is not someone who doesent ever fall, rather a tzadik is the guy who keeps on bouncing back and fighting despite the fall.

I also had such a miracle as u described. I was clean for along time - over a year- when I started down the slippery slope of clickin n surfin with abandon w/o a filter (if you know what I mean ) when out of nowhere .....my darn glasses broke (I can't see w/o them). To me it was an open sign from Hashem saying "slow down buddy, your heading for a crash".  Did it It stop me? Heck NO!! that very night I went to the store  and bought new ones!!! and it was a short while later and I was....u guessed it .... Clickin n surfin my good jewish neshoma in the oceans of cess ;((
Keep me strong my good friend. We are all rooting for u.
With eternal love
NB

[guardureyes]

Dear Chaim, sounds like you're doing great. keep up the good work!

You speak about being "afraid"... We fully understand. May I suggest you read Chizuk e-mails #452, #480 and the bottom of #487 - all on this page.

Hope it helps!  

[Efshar Letaken]

Welcome Reb Chaim,

I don't wont to scare you, its just that you should be ready for a little let down by the end of a week or 2, you might feel a void or a bit frustration.

You should know that its normal if it does happen.

Knowing these things in advance will give you the strength you will need to have when & if it happens, so you can fight it off until it passes & it will pass.

It is necessary to read up as much as you can Reb Guards Hand Books & Posts from the Tzadikim on this site in the begining more then ever, so you know what is to expect from the Y"H as he wont ever let you go & will put up a fight specially in the begining.

The Y"H has his tricks. he might even make it easy in the begining just to make you think you are doing fine so that you will let your guard down a bit & he will be waiting right there to laugh at you when you fall again. Its humiliating!

But Again! if you know his tricks ahead of time you will know how to stay away from his planted Mines.

Eshrecho Yisroel
Efshar Letaken

[Chaim]

Today is number 5
(I'm not clear how to post on the wall of honor)

I was able to keep clean on all levels, and avoid sticky situations I took off my glasses, figured out ahead of time were NOT to look.  You know the yezer has "taught" me some things over the years - but in the opposite direction, so I have this 6th sense of where the heat is radiating from.
I once tried counting my victories - trying to stress the positive, that here I had tens of straight victories where I pulled myself away from a non-tznius view. Why just stress the failures - of course they're terrible, but the perspective is more correct - That I fought and succeded most every tmie.
However, maybe the best way is to stress the non-involvement in this whole battle, and take it one challenge at a time.

It did work - maybe it's like the wall of honor, and I'm interested to hear your feedback on this.

thanks
Chaim

[Noorah BAmram]

Hear!! Hear!!As Rabienu Guard will say you are a "poster boy" for the GUE attitude:) one victory at a time! Each one is precious and can never ever be taken away from you no matter what!!!
Keeping inspiring me (and I'm sure other warriors on the site) with you uplifting victory posts;D

Chazak V'nischazek!!
Your "strength" strengthens us all!!

With awe and humility towards your positive GUE attitude.
NB

[bardichev]

CHAIMEL TAYARE

I DID NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR QUESTION

bardichev

[Chaim]

TOday day 6 went well!
Had a number of times which I was able to pull away - hearing that creak...

My question was - what is the balance between Let Go and Let G-d
and
Keeping track of the struggle - like wall of honor or counting successive turning of my eyes away from temptation?
Maybe the latter keep me in the struggle, and while being aware - makes the Inyan bigger
Chaim

[guardureyes]

What's wrong with keeping track of how long we succeeded so far to "let go and let g-d"? 

[hoping]

The problem that I have been having is that although I can repeat the words "let go and let G-d" I don't really feel it. It seems that focusing on the goal of 90 days runs in the opposite direction of letting go. Any ideas?