Startings and the Public View - New Guy

[yankeld]

Hi,
I'm new here.  And I think I'm happy I found this place.  I've been struggling in shmiras ainayim since before I was frum and 15 years later, though married and with a beautifull baby boy, I'm still struggling.

I have not yet read the attitude/guidebook guide - It's long and I need to find the time to read it when no one is around. 

Perhaps - before I post myself on the wall of honour - firstly the chizuk email's are great.  I'm not "clean" currently for 3 days, but B'ezras Hashem I hope to be.

We installed a internet filter recently on my laptop as I've been falling for inappropriate sites too much - my wife doesn't know that.  I told her I was just wanted to block out other shtuss - hulu, cnn, et al.  She doesn't know that even though she found something on my computer a little over a year ago - and gave me major mussar - that I've been falling since.  I know I can do this, but a) do I bother telling her that the software isn't working (and yes we paid for it) and I've been falling or b) come totally clean and tell her what's been happening.  My motivation for not telling her is because I need the internet for other reasons and I really don't want it cut off. 

On a secondary note - we joined the zoo.  Pritzus central.  I see other frum yidden there when we go erev shabbos once the house is clean, but there's a lot of "first looks" which are hard to ignore.  Any eitza's?

yankeld

[dov]

Dear new guy -
Good for you that you are concerned about your problem enough to post here. Your post makes a few things clear:

1) you feel you need help with this problem and can't make it on your own,

2) you have had the problem for a while,

3) you recognize it is a breach of your marriage trust, not just a personal issue.

This site is a good place to start. Clearly you want to stop but you do not make clear exactly what you want to stop doing. True, this open forum may not be the place for you to clarify further, but through this site you will find friends with whom you can be clear and honest with about the exact nature of what is going on. That will certainly help tremendously. "We are only a sick as our secrets."
Telling your wife about it right now may not be the best idea. Find friends here for that and then have help to decide when, what, and how to tell your wife. In the end, the honesty and openness of your relationship with your wife may be the best indicator of your recovery from this problem. The hiding and lying we do to maintain our sick behaviors are a festering toxin for us, for our spouses, for our marriages and relationships, and for our kids, too.
Your recovery from this does not depend on her, only on you: to reach out and open up. You will get the help you need from Hashem, eventually. Whatever struggling/hiding tactics we were using before are exactly what got us here and is obviously a waste of time. You are now in the right track, b-ezras Hashem.
I and others on this site and elsewhere wish you the best with our whole hearts! It may not be a picnic at times, but it is by far better than the alternative. In many cases we have found that our relationships with Hashem (and with our spouses) could only actually grow once we found a solution to our sick behavior. Hashem can do anything.
Love,
Dov

[guardureyes]

Welcome Yankel. You don't need to read the whole GYE Handbook in one shot... But start today. We would love to discuss it with you and see what you've tried and what you haven't tried yet... Questions? Comments? We are here for you. This is your new home.

[battleworn]

Dear yankel,

Welcome home. First of all you should say Hallel that you found this site. I have to tell you that those handbooks are one of the greatest things that happened to Klal Yisroel since Matan Torah. We have to realize that Hashem sent us to this world for the purpose of fighting this battle. It's not just some incovenience that got in the way. We have to recognize that, and be willing to invest time and effort. I think that for starters you should really concentrate on the handbooks. Like R' Guard said you don't have to read it all at once.

If you are sure that the only problem with telling your wife, is that you need the computer, there are simple solutions.

Stay with us and CHAZAK VE'EMATZ!