Noora BAmaram's Journey and Journal

[Noorah BAmram]

Shalom Alleichem to all my friends on this holy forum,

Today is with the help of Hashem  day 61 on my sobriety journey.
I choose the name Noraah BAmram based on the famous story at the end of Kidushin where Reb Amram Chasida was faced with the battle we are all battling  on this site.  when he was halfway up the ladder to sin he shouted out "FIRE IN THE HOUSE OF AMRAM -   "FIRE IN THE HOUSE OF AMRAM -  I too scream out "fire in the house of Amram" "fire in the house of Amram" and all the sages came running to save him>
I hope and pray that thru my continued posting on the forum and being on the 90 day chart,   somehow  the fires of the YH that is waging inside me will be also be extinguished.
The chizuk and understanding that I received from all the members on this forum since I found this site about 2 months ago is absolutely  indescribable and immeasurable.
Thank u to each and everyone of you- starting of course with our beloved webmaster, affectionately known around here as "Rabienu Guard"  for opening up and sharing your own  struggles, tips and suggestions and thereby giving me such tremendous chizuk.
 I'm not the best typist in the world but i will try to keep posting as time allows.
NB

[Noorah BAmram]

Day 62 still fighting. Yesterday Sunday was extremely hard. I find Sunday to be the hardest day in the week I once read of a syndrome called "Sunday neurosiss" which I get in a bad way.

[Momo]

Welcome! Good to have you with us. Such a strong warrior.
Sunday is my hardest day too. Almost always fall on a Sunday. How do you overcome Sundays? Any tricks?

[Noorah BAmram]

Thanks Momo,what helped me the most was first and foremost a no- nonsense filter. On my BB handheld I got jnet and at work we have a gateway content filter called sonic wall to which I gave the password to my wife. I didn't get into detail with her re my addiction, I just. Told her that it is yichud for a man to be with un filtered internet connection (I also shared with her the story of Rav Amram Chasida). I explained to her how the filter works in order to make sure that there r no loopholes which the addict in me exploited in the past. Most importantly I told my wife that if I ever ask her for the password she must change it immediately afterwards.
The filters has helped tremendously but as others have said on the forum it isn't sobriety.  

[chl]

bs"d

Behatzlacha rabba to you, Noora b'Amram (what a great name  !

I am praying for your complete success!

[Noorah BAmram]

Amen V'Amen! To u also my brother in battle:)

[Noorah BAmram]

Momo re Sunday. One Sunday I made up my mind that come what may I'm not going to wallow in boredom,self-pity and loneliness and went hiking in a state forest which was very nice.
 For spiritual R&R I sometimes go learn in a different BM and catch up on Torah things that pull me -maavir sedra, parsha - easy and lighter topics-so as not to battle the YH head on, if u know what I mean;).
What about you? What worked for you?

[Noorah BAmram]

Dearest Brothers in Arms,
Permit me to share a recent fall and what I learned from it. I was at that time clean for months and months, this was prior to having found the GUE network and was not counting days nor did i have a sobriety date. Why should I be counting days? a choshver yid such as myself is  not an addict! How wrong I was!!!.   I though that I was permanently cured  and my previous falls were a thing of the past, a bad dream. How wrong I was!!!
At that time I  just completed a major project at work and was on a tremendous HIGH from it, both from a spiritual aspect and a professional aspect. My  davenings there were with  a feeling of  real connection with Hashem, all my tefilos were with a minyan, I was   keeping my sedorim  etc.. Then all of a sudden WHAM BAM the baal duver was back with such an awesome ferociousness, I didn't know what hit me. Each subsequent fall gets worse in intensity and duration). all of a sudden an ice  coldness in my yiddishkiet  overtook me, like I just completely and utterly  shut down spiritually. {akin to a computer virus that completely shuts down the whole system}
Of course i had to go thru the motions for the sake of my wife and children, it was sheer torture. Imagine having to conduct a purim seudah or pesach seder or even a shabbos seudah in such a situation, when the wife and kids are looking to me to set the ruach/spirit of the yom and I'm just coming off a spectacular month long visit to the menuvel"s  finest p**n sites . I wanted to run but  had nowhere to go.

[bardichev]

NB
you are a heilige tzaddik I know the guilt and shame of looking your own wife and childeren in the face at the shabbos sueda and like you say go through the motions.
Ok ENOUGH GUILT FOR ONE DAY!!!

Hi welcome aboard you are doing GEVALDIGGGGGG!! I love the name and the meaning behind it.
My name is bardichev( of course with a small b it"s almost a joke around here)

I too struggled forever until I made up in my mind that I am totally insane I was losing Business time family time I was ztezting my neshama with atom bombs .I found this HEILIGE website and i tried a month.It was real work mamesh i was climbing the walls.
Then I cooled down a bit .I found friends here that are normal people dealing with a normal problem.

Stay here for the long haul you will end up being mechazik all of us and youself too.

B"h these days when I sing sheker hachein vihevel hayofi ,Isha yiras HASHEM hee tishallal.I don't feel like a shakran!!

chazak chzak vnischazek

Ki BSIMCHA SAI-TZAI-U with simcha you pull away from this evil wicked MENUVAL

humble and happy
bardichev

[Efshar Letaken]

NB,
Check this out. I think this is exactly the case bardichev was talking about then.

Re: bardichev's battle
« Reply #67 on: May 21, 2009, 02:41:21 PM »
   Reply with quoteQuote

bardichev says,

I wanted to share a very important machshava.
It is a very very important lesson
from the Heilige Chofetz Chaim

There was once a very rich man that had a huge mansion with a "hoif" there was his large family a lot help maids servants workers "orchi porchi" .This man was very generous and was a big machnis oirach.
One day he realized that stuff was missing cutlery, money, art, clothing etc.

The wealthy man stared to get suspicious so he called in a private investigator to get to the bottom of it and find the criminal. The actual robber who was one of the hired staff in the house sensed that a detective was called in. He immediately stopped his thievery.

He even went so far as to HELP in the investigation. The detective didn’t catch anyone and the stealing stopped. Things calmed down and the home owner forgot about the entire incident. When all was calm for a while the stealing started gain.
Says the Heilige Chofetz Chaim, This is called an inside job. Be very careful that you don’t mistake real honest HIRHUEI TESHUVAH for an inside job.
The Yetzer Horah knows that there is a certain bottom that you don’t want to hit.
So He gives you the freedom and he actually helps you do teshuvah .Only that he should be able to get you down again.

Be careful .many times we were misgaber on the Yetzer Horah .Make sure it is not an inside job.


Efshar Letaken says

   
Re: bardichev's battle
« Reply #69 on: May 21, 2009, 03:40:00 PM »

If I may

He is trying to say I think, that sometimes like what I'm going through now we feel great or in my case I can start crying to hashem with charoto & that makes me feel like wow! I am back! now let me go on to regular life.

But that can be the Y"H's plan too.

He wants you to get over it fast so that you relax and don't take the necessary steps to fight him long term.

So he helps you do teshuva, he helps you cry yourself out so that the next day you feel like you are good to go, but you are not! you still need to put in a lot more effort in order to hold up long term.

the more times he can get us to fall the better chance he has that we will eventually give up & then we are in his sack to stay.

So we need to stay focused for long after are initial teshuve. not being too satisfied that we are now safe & lower are guard.

As much as we have to feel good about the heights we reached we also have to make sure we are not to comfortable with ourselves.

I did ramble a bit to much, but I hope I got it right.
Correct me if I'm wrong.

[Noorah BAmram]

Thanks bardichev for this awesome boruch haba and thanks Efshar Letaken.

Continued from my previous post
Right b4 pesach of this year the Almight-y in his infinite kindness and love, let me "stumble" on this holy website and the chizuk emails,  and things started to get a little better, the ice in my heart begun  thawing  a wee bit.
one of the greatest insights that I had, or shall we say lessons that I learned from this last fall was as follows:
1) אתה ישן לו והוא ער לך there is no greater danger then complacency, the thought that battle is won. The menuvel has all the time in this world(pun intended!)!!! just waiting for me  the great tzadik to think that I licked him.  then out of nowhere its WHAM BAM and I'm  down for the count. 

While this may be  elementary to many on this forum, to me this lesson came with a great price tag.

2) there is nothing in the world that incites the baal duver more  then arrogance, and  underestimating his power. As soon as I think that "I" beat him that "I'm" a big tzadik he will just tear me to pieces.

This secret is from the gemorrah in kiddushin    ("Im sure the Guard quoted it in one of the chizuk emails where R Akiva and R Meir the holy tanaim would mock those who sinned, מתלוצצים בעוברי עבירה, with their thinking being (according to Rash"i ) that the YH is easy to overcome. Consequently the YH appeared to them and tempted them with such a strong lust that Reb Akiva began to climb up the tree to satisfy his lust. When R'Akiva was halfway up the tree the YH said to him "were it not  that in Heaven they proclaim "הזהרו ברבי עקיבא ותורותו"" beware of R Akiva and his Torah" then  I would have utterly destroyed you"

i too underestimated the menuvel in the biggest way.  I was asleep to the menuvel and he was busy rubbing his hands in glee waiting for me.

I don't even remember the precise thing that made me full anymore and I'm not even sure how important it is right now to recovery.

the  lesson that I take from this last fall is , I hope and daven  never to forget,   that until my last breath, the great menuvel will lie in ambush waiting for me to forget that he is ....waiting in ambush!!

[Noorah BAmram]

The most difficult thing in my struggle is loneliness and a general discontent -fertile ground for this insidious addiction to flourish.

I'm honest enough to admit to myself that were it not for the filters, I would have long been right back surfin n clicking in the ces spools.
Someone on this forum said, I don't remember who it was but it describes me to a tee (like so many other shares and insights on this forum:))" just. because there is no pollen doesn't mean your not allergic". Rabbi Twersky calls it a "dry drunk" that's me!
A Very frightening feeling!
Well one day at a time and today is almost over -I'm  heading to sleep. I pray that Ribono shel Olom watches over all of us tomorrow jus as He did today.
Good Night

[Recovered]

Noorah,

Thank you very much for joining the site.  Your confidence in your fight against the menuval is very inspiring to all of us.  I can see you are a very high soul already entrenched with Torah, kedusha and tahara.  The steipler writes (in his letters dealing with mast**n) that one who does teshuvah on this aveira, all of the Torah and tefilla from the past shines forth with greater light.  He explains how so many are under the assumption that even their past "good" deeds are all lost as they have been done under conditions of extreme sin.  But quite the opposite is true.  As I see you have great backing in avodas hashem, I am looking forward to seeing your past shine forth with extreme bright light.   

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is yaakov.  I have been on these forums since the beginning of Feb.  I remained sober since then.  I have gained so much from this site and from all the great tzadikkim on this site.  You should realize that "bardichev" and "Efshar Letaken" are heillege tzaddikim.  I am sure you will gain a lot from them.

"there is no greater danger then complacency, the thought that battle is won. The menuvel has all the time in this world(pun intended!)!!! just waiting for me  the great tzadik to think that I licked him.  then out of nowhere its WHAM BAM and I'm  down for the count.  "

shaarei teshuva shaar 1; #20.

Only recently was this elementary to me.  But it was not always so.  I am happy to see you have are realizing this.  I was addicted for 15 years. Last year I went six months sober and then fell.  I could not pick myself up for three months.  I made many mistakes.  One of them was what you mentioned.  For the past 120 days I have close to zero temptations.  I never feel the urge for p**n.  But I DO NOT consider myself cured.  I constantly address my inner desires and continue to grow. I continue to ask for forgiveness as I know each day of my life I realize even more how great hashem his and how great my sins were.  I daven to hashem to continue removing my urges from within me.  Till the day we die, the menuval will try to attack.  Till the day we die we continue to fortify ourselves.   

"there is nothing in the world that incites the baal duver more  then arrogance, and  underestimating his power. As soon as I think that "I" beat him that "I'm" a big tzadik he will just tear me to pieces. "
Yes, we must differentiate between arrogance and confidence.  And we must always realized he is with us till the day we die.  There is no killing him, except with INTENSE teshuvah.  We will not go down that path for now.

Thank you for bringing to light the gemara in kiddushin(81a).  I have written in my notebook of personal growth eight great lessons that I have learned from that gemara, from all five stories. 

B"h these days when I sing sheker hachein vihevel hayofi ,Isha yiras HASHEM hee tishallal.I don't feel like a shakran!!

 

[Noorah BAmram]

Thanks Yaakov for you beautiful words. I don't exaggerate if I say that they are to like the proverbial "mayim karim l'nefesh ayeifah". Those letters from the Stiepler brings tears to my eyes every time I read them. As a matter of fact, one of the few things that were able to lift my spirit a bit when I was deep down in "shoil tachtis" was these holy letters from the Stiepler Gaon.

Another letter that touched me deeply is where he writes that if a person is many times gover on the menuvel, even if he falls many times after that, he is "guaranteed" that eventually he will succeed in completely vanquishing this despicable menuval. This "guaranty" from the Stiepler has given me hope more the once to continue onward, when I was feeling like a dead battery and a "beaten hoshana". I consider a guarantee from the stiepler something that I can take to the bank anyday!!!

Yaakov, u surely know what chazal say regarding someone who withholds Torah from people;) we are waiting anxiously for the lessons from those holy gmoras in. Kiddushin 81 that u have in your yet to be printed sefer:) 

[Noorah BAmram]

With the help of Hashem today is day 63 on my journey.

Thank You Hashem for the past and I beg You for sobriety today.
Your humble servant