Yeshivah changed my life. I was a well-meaning but mostly ignorant baal teshuvah, and I sort of decided to "see what this Torah thing was all about". I thought I'd stay for a year or so but ended up staying for many years. I never did get smicha, but I am proud of the learning I did, the skills I acquired, and most importantly the derech I absorbed. It was time very well spent for me. Coming from a religiously apathetic family in a divorced single-mom latchkey-kid home, Shimush Talmidei Chachamim gave me a approach to transcend my mostly father-less upbringing, which I appreciate more and more as I raise my own children.
But Bein HaZmanim was torturous. I stayed in the dorms with maybe one or two out-of-towners who didn't go back home, and it was hell. I told myself I would learn and revise and spend the precious time well, but without the presence and support of like-minded fellows the loneliness returned and despite resistance I fell.
These were horrible times, full of awful loneliness and black depression, guilt and shame and hating myself for weeks in a row. All alone.
I tried various strategies, some of which worked in part or for a short while, but nothing helped me to meet the standards I set for myself, and I longed miserably for the zman to start and my days to be structured again.
Eventually, I gave my Yeshivah to Hashem. I'm proud of what I did. Basically, it was well understood that after marriage you enter the workplace. There was no Kollel attached to the Yeshivah, and the prevailing attitude was that Kollel was for the elite. 'The cream of the cream of the cream'. I was only the cream of the cream
.
I couldn't stand falling every Bein HaZmanim, and after much desperate analysis concluded honestly that I would not be able to remain clean until I got married. This meant cutting short my stay in Yeshivah. I had planned to stay the course for seven years, get my smicha and then go back into my field (I feel I am not well-suited to the Rabbanut). I gave up these plans in service to Hashem.
I remember reading a story about Rav Moshe Feinstein who was collecting for his Yeshivah with a talmid. After a very long day Rav Moshe was becoming exhausted and the talmid urged him to take a rest and continue tomorrow. When Rav Moshe declined the talmid tried to persuade him by pointing out that exhaustion would hinder Rav Moshe's ability to learn. He replied that the Torah commands us to serve Hashem 'with all our heart, all our lives, and all our
me'od'. This
me'od, the extra, is different for everybody. Rav Moshe said that his
me'od is Torah learning. It was something more valuable to him than even his life. Even so, Hashem commands us to serve Him at the cost of this precious thing. Raising money for Torah learning was service of Hashem and it transcended even his learning.
Same with me. I couldn't go on with this duplicity, and I consciously and sincerely offered the great heights I would surely grow to in Yeshivah to Hashem. I've never regretted this decision. It was the right thing to do. So I called up some shadchanim and bravely entered the shidduch scene.
What fun that was. Not.
