bardichev's battle

[bardichev]

Hello to everyone here. I am truly humbled to be here. It is the most wonderful thing.
I can not believe that today is my 31st day without any assur internet whatsoever. Without any bittul zeman internet. I can't believe it myself I am so happy.
Just four weeks ago I couldn't sit in front of my computer without peeking just for a few minuets at all the filth that the Y"H brought my way.
Just four weeks ago I was the lowest person in the world living the biggest lie. Just four weeks ago I was crying under my desk and I really wanted to change. Indeed in the past I made strong kabbalos I gave myself all kinds of mussar I applied all kinds of advice but I never was able to ever go 2 weeks clean.
I B”H found a lifeline GUE I realized 3 things a. there is a way to recover
B. that I am an addict an addiction will need recovery not that I’m just crazy or SHVACH . C. there is other people in the same boat that are honestly working on changing their lives.
At that point I didn’t feel that I deserved to be on the forum let alone on the WOH.So I kept my own journal for two full weeks .It was so hard to change but all the chizuk from reading all the posts on GUE pushed me along.
 I still can’t believe that I am clean for a month .I am not trying to delude myself to say I arrived I REALLY need all the encouragement to reach my short term goal of 90 days. I am really taking it one day at a time. I am davening for siyatta dishmaya.
I realize that the battle of the Y”H is a full time job. My shemiras ainiyim is on a very good level B”H.I am scared that I will fall so I am really setting small goals.
I came to this realization that I couldn’t stop my self until I admitted that I was an addict not that this was just a bad habit this is my addiction.Once I knew I was an addict I was able to accept advice from all the people on the forum because until one doesn’t ADMIT he cant be helped because its not for him.
I started to realize that the power of TEFILLA is so great.
I had a wonderful insight in the tefilla we say “VCHOF ES YITZREINU LHISHTABED LACH” we daven that Hashem should force Y”H to be subjugated to HIM. All my life I davened that “my”  Y”H should be controlled by “me” .NO NO NO I have learned from the first of the twelve steps we are begging Hashem to force the Y”H to be under HIS control.(I am saying this as a chizuk not trying to delve into deep questions that deal with Emunah).
May all our friends here be the source of inspiration that we all become truly the HEILIGE NESHAMOS WE WERE GIVEN AT BIRTH.
Please give me the chizuk (and mussar too) to reach my goal.
May Hashem bentch each and every one of us.

Humbled and happy
bardichev

[Recovered]

Wow, bardichev that was amazing.  You summarized so many lessons on this site in one short post and it is apparent from your words that you absorbed and internalized them all.  We are certainly cheering you on. Please post as often as you could and keep inspiring us.

[me]

Once I knew I was an addict...

 

B"H, here at this forum we are able to be "addicts"....we start out as addicts to lust, and then when change our addiction to one of  Avodas Hashem!

[guardureyes]

Berditchev, your posts are so inspiring. I will probably use them in Chizuk e-mails... Also, I put two of your posts in the testimonials from the past two months over here.

Like Ykv_pointed out, you seem to be internalizing well the lessons of our website! Keep up the good work. Soon I hope to give out a booklet with the Yesodos of this struggle. It will help us all...

[Someone]

Amazing inspiration, go on like this!

[guardureyes]

How you've been, someone? I want to update your chart 

[bardichev]

Hello all my new friends
Thank you all for your kind response to my post. It’s good to speak to people who understand.

I am onto day 32 gematria LEV. I daven to Hashem Lev Tahor Birah Lee Elokim.

I would like to share a thought.

I am nearing a milestone and I am scared out of my mind .I am so scared to slip even a small slip. Every night I go to sleep and say B”H it wasn’t today .I wake up the first thing I think is I hope it wont happen today.It is making me very nervous.I accept the nervousness because I KNOW I’m in the teshuva process and it is all from Hashem.

I am totally preoccupied with keeping shemiras eynayim it is the only thing on my mind.
Is this normal? Is it normal that I keep on checking GUE all day? In my process of breaking free I was Mekabel on myself (and B”H keeping strong) not to visit any websites other than work related .not even news and kosher news etc. I have no greater satisfaction then what I am able to do but what I want to know if it is normal to feel that it needs to be so all encompassing?
 I am sure I can answer my own question but I would rather hear it from the people in the trenches that are ahead of me in this battle to give me their perspective or advice.

I think of it this way and maybe this is the root of my addiction. I feel the constant need for attention. Real or imaginary the addiction gives one pleasure the pleasure feels good and then I  need more pleasure and look for more and more. Maybe I feel like a person who was carrying a load of garbage that was weighing him down now that he threw it in the dump he wants to know why he feels (and smells) different. What I am shooting at is that if abstinence gave me a euphoric feeling I might have never become an addict. What keeps me focused is something I read from Jack (who is a tzaddik yosed olam) HARD   WORK!!
 Having said all of this I think what I am feling is mostly atzas hayetzer I don’t want to fall into any trap of his. I will let menuval know that he is invited to night seder in shul tonite Pagaa Buch Menuval Zeh Moshchaihu Lbais Hamedrash.Im Even Hu Nimuach
Im Barzel Hu Mispotzetz. What I need to do is take all my positive and negative energy
And put it into Torah and serving Hashem!!

I hope I am not sounding depressed because I am really not; just this thought of why I am so busy with my addiction is occupying my mind.


Humbled and still very happy.
Going from Lev 32 to my personal LAG BOMER 33 BEZRAS HASHEM
bardichev

[guardureyes]

See the second half of Chizuk e-mail #456 from yesterday (on this page) in regards to the feeling that you are dealing with this "too much". And see Chizuk e-mail #452 too in regards to your fear of falling...

It's a known phenomenon that people who are trying hard to break free feel a little desperate to hold onto something else instead - and this often leads to an addiction to GUE and the forum But what's wrong with that? With such inspiring posts, we definitely don't mind....

Don't fear, let go and let Hashem do the rest... It's Ok to stop all sites unrelated to work for a time, but in a while (maybe after you hit 90 days) you can allow yourself to a set list of sites, like the ones on our Kosher isle and our torah section (scroll down the page)...

[bardichev]

Rabbeinu Guard Shlit"a
My only question is what do I do that this is preoccupying all my time and it is affecting my work?
I know some of the question is based on atzas hayetzer becuause when i acted out on my addiction I never asked these questions.
 Im going to go home and put my energy into my family then I will go daven and learn!!

Rabbeinu keep on keeping us all holy.

Im going to prepare my Lag B'omer Fire .Tomorrow Be"H 33

[Recovered]

bardichev, it is amazing how much you remind me of myself.
Think of it this way.  Either we are both normal or we are both crazy. 
The truth is that I used to be very preoccupied with shemiras eynayim.  But with time it will become more second nature and you will be able to focus on other things, I hope.  I would like to suggest to open your heart up and take out a tehillim.  You may do this already.  This will help out you take all your wonderful energy and direct it towards Hashem.  You will also find that your emotions are hidden away in tehillim.
I also stopped looking at news site, etc.  You never know when you will see a picture of a lady.  Any site that I need to frequent for work, I block all images. 
You do not sound depressed at all.  You are bubbling and you do not know what to do with your energy. 
regarding keeping focus with work, I wish I had the answers.  I have the same problem.   

[me]

Bardichev,

I would like to offer you a very well thought out aitza.

Try to LIGHTEN UP.

Two people can "outwardly" be doing the very same thing, (like shmiras a bris for example), and yet on the "inside", they are completely different.

1) you can be doing shmiras a bris by: Running franticly from the y"h thereby feeling pressure, fear,anxiety, eventual exhuastion, which in the end can lead to a fall. Why? It is the VERY stress, and anxiety of this type of approach which beackons us to return to the acting out, in order to sooth our pains so to speak.

2)  you can be doing shmiras a bris by: Instead of running FROM the y"h, RUNNING towards Hashem. Your entire focus contrary to the above, is one of GOING somewhere that I wish to be (hashem), rather than running from a place I am frightened of. The first option produces anxiety which can feed the problem, the second, i.e running TO Hashem's palace will produce a different type of feeling.....because you are doing something completely different. You are building and strengthening yourself with each step, as opposed to the "fleeing", which causes tiredness with each step.

[Recovered]

Thank you "me", that is a very yesodosdik destinction. It is a yesod for life. 

[bardichev]

Dear me
You are so right I know exactly what you are saying .Thank you for the chizuk!

[bardichev]

HAPPY LAG B'OMER TO ME!!!

Today was day 33  .I kept  the advice ME sent me(sounds weird)in my mind all day.I B"H overcame a mild Nisayon which I was prepared for.Some of the tips posted here really do work.

I heard a beautiful line this morning from someone in shul I was thinking how it can be applied here.

"If you here the smoke alarm ringing there is two ways how to quiet it either remove the batteries or you extinguish the fire"

In battling this addiction I realize that there are alarms that could have prevented alot of this behavior but rather than putting out the fire and working with the addiction I opted to remove the batteries and not be bothered with the alarm.

The addiction which is all based in fantasy and lust which gives at most a quick escape from reality. Yet the price is so high it ruins every aspect of ones life
The dishonesty to ones spouse, friends and children. Most of all the dishonesty to oneself the sick reality is that the addiction feeds on itself and the horrible feeling only leads one to more and more sin-guilt-shame-sin-guilt-shame-sin-guilt-shame-sin vicious cycle.

I really am honored to be among people who are open and honest with how hard it is to fight this fight. And we should really try to reach out to everyone
on this forum. Maybe we should invite all the GUEST to join and fight along. Also it seems that there are many people who fought Y"H in the past they are probably fighting him somewhere but why not come back to the forum and we can all fight side by side.Y"H will feel weak he will feel the sick empty feeling he will fell the horrible shame. AND WE WILL BE THE VICTORS!!!

humbled and happy
bardichev
to celebrate my personal LAG b'OMER I made a donation to GUE

[bardichev]

hello everyone
What a great honor I received when I opened today’s chizuk e-mail #459.I am so glad that my struggle can be a source of encouragement to others.
What is so unique about this forum is that in on itself it really provides the antidote to addiction. My addiction is TAAVA it says L’Taava Yivakesh Nifrad in order to be a Baal Taava one needs to be alone. Lonesomeness   depressions helplessness boredom are really different levels or layers of alone. Being part of a group if their goal is to serve Hashem that on its own beats the Y”H away.

I once heard a very nice story from one of the previous Slonimer Rebbes ZT”L.
 This Rebbe had a Chassid that embarked on a business trip. Being away from the comfort and protection of home he was tempted with the Nisayon of Yosef Hatzaddik.
In a moment of cheshbon hanefesh he said to himself “when I come back my Rebbe will see that I sinned”. So he thought “I will avoid my Rebbe”. Then he said to himself my friends will notice on my behavior that I sinned. Can I live without friends NO I need my friends and that helped him overcome his Y”H.
 When he came home his Rebbe told him “what a great Rebbe can’t accomplish good friends CAN.

Toady is my 34th clean day. B”H. Today sefirah is 13 L’Omer which corresponds with
Yesod ShebiGevurah. This day is really auspicious to every person on this forum. what we are doing is try to be Mesaken the middah of yesod (lit. foundation) and we are doing it with tremendous Gevurah.

As I once said this forum would have been a Nachas For the Heilige Bardichever .To see how regular people are trying withal their might to fight the greatest Y”H in history. The streets we travel and stores we shop in stoop to the lowest level just to sell basic products. The media is one piece of filth. The computer OY VEY this is Y”H final hideout.

Let us all remind ourselves what it was that pushed us to seek help.What was it about the addiction that we hated the most. If you focus on that it will help you not slip or fall.
For me it was as follows (this list I compiled on day 10)

A. A crutch to give me instant satisfaction
B. I knew what I was doing was wrong.
C. I was making excuses for my behavior
D. I was a hypocrite
E. I couldn’t Daven
F. I felt guilty and ugly
H. I felt controlled (inhuman)
G. I convinced myself that I can change my behavior in a second which I know it’s not true.

My friends keep me strong. I really want to be a normal person I feel the taste of freedom.

Humbled and happy
bardichev