my story

[niceguy]

i grew up completely non- religious. i was exposed to pornograghy by ,believe it or not, my parents. they had piles of mags and i found them one day when they were out.i don't remember how old i was maybe 10 . but i memorized those things . the masturbation began as soon as i could get it going and went full speed through my teens. i did it any time i could anywhere i could.i went to israel  and became frum but this was the only real thing i could never kick .once i was frum i began to feel guilt and regret for doing it but i couldn't stop in any real way .i controlled so many things, kicked so many habits,i gave up so much and it was hard but i did it. i thought i could do this too .I cried and dovened and vowed and swore and continued masturbating.that started at 18.i'm now 34,i have 6 children,a good wife,a job teaching in a cheder in israel and i can't stop masturbating. i think it has gotten better as far as frequency but it never stopped .not for more than a few weeks at a time. i didnt have access to porn for a long time b/c i was in yeshiva and i was mortified to be seen getting it but that didnt stop me. i drew my own.i would sit for hours at night ,in bathrooms sketching porn scenes for myself. . i think now it was a way of fooling myself that i'm not so bad b/c i'm not making a chillul H' by buying it .but it was just as bad .maybe worse.i put so much time into getting what i wanted w/out embarrassing myself or hurting my image.it was vital that noone should know.i would destroy what i drew almost after every time so noone could find it . i'd rip it up and flush it .almost everytime promising never again.that went on for 18 yrs.i finally "grew up"&got the guts to buy porn in the store. i "disguised" myself so noone would recognise me . i died every time. threw out what ever i bought the same day .it was getting expensive and i couldnt continue. then came the computer .its been a battle ever since.you see i've always known the problem isnt the computer it just makes getting my fantasies so much cheaper and easier.thats why stopping my access isnt enough b/c i'll just find something else.i've never said these details to anyone before. only Hashem knows it all.i'm writing b/c i want to know where i stand in relation to the rest of you. am i crazy ?am i better ?worse?the same?whats bothering me is how much effort i put in to satisfying my fanasies.the obsession i had to see the porn.how hard i would work for it just to throw it away.where do i stand ?is there anyone of you who relates to the kind of all encompassing singleminded obsession for that fantasy scene movie clip etc.?i lied . i cheated  my bosses,rebbes,wife of work,time,myself.i invaded privacy at my liesure. i respected only my obsession in private. noone but myself.if  somebody relates to this and can name it and especially if they got out of it please let me know.

[Elya]

Hi, nice guy.  Thanks for sharing. It takes a lot of guts to expose yourself like that, but it's actually
the first step to getting better.  I relate to everything you've said. I've been addicted all my life and
it got MUCH worse since he Internet about 9 years ago.  Since then, I have been sober for at least 3 years,
slipping occasionally. 

This is not going to go away by itself.  It will never go away.  You have an addiction which is a disease and you
must treat it as such.  It gets progressively worse so its best to stop it now, before you end up doing worse things with live people or even illegal things and end up in prison.  I'm just giving you the facts and experiences of people
I know with this illness.  Eventually the magazines will not be enough and the internet wont be enough, you'll have to have more and more excitement.

The Guard Ur Eyes site has everything you need to educate yourself.  Awareness is the first step to recovery.
This is a spiritual disease of intimacy.. Once I stopped, my relationship with my wife improved 100 fold.  This is not
about sex.  You're just masturbating to cover up and ease the hurt and low self esteem you feel inside.  Am I right or wrong?   Once you stop you begin to explore the root of what is causing this.  Most of the time there is childhood trauma involved.  Finding your parents are looking at this stuff is not exactly normal at 10 years old.
And you've been keeping it a secret from them and your wife for 24 years.  Lots of secrets, hiding, lying doesn't make for a very calm life, does it?

The Guard Ur Eyes moderator also lives in Israel.  Get in touch with him and meet with him.  He has years of sobriety and can help you.  He can tell you if there are groups in Israel.  I know there are counselors in Israel
that specialize in sex addiction.  Find one today. Put a block on your computer, today, if you're really serious about stopping.  This will help tremendously.    Pray to Hashem to help you stop but ALSO thank HIM for all the goodness he has given you.  Children, wife, life itself, no matter how miserable , you're still alive.  Ask yourself before you want to masturbate, "Who Am I?" How Will I feel after I do this? What are the consequences of my actions?

Start here and let me know how you've doing each day.  You can email me privately also.
 

[guardureyes]

Dear niceguy,

Hi. I am the webmaster of guardureyes. Before I say anything, I want to thank Elya K for his great answer and say that he is right on target.

Unfortunately, I do not meet with people in person to preserve my anonymity, but you can write me directly at eyes.guard@gmail.com.

For religious therapists in Israel that are trained in addictions, see this page. (Scroll down to the bottom for the Israeli therapists).

For group therapy in Jerusalem, SLAA can be reached at 02-676-9583. Rabbi Avraham J Twerski, expert in addictions, holds highly of such groups - even for religious people.

The first thing you need to know is that the phenomenon you are dealing with is not because you have huge desires and can't seem to be able to deal with them. Rather, you are simply dealing with a strong "addiction". It is important to understand this because, as an addiction, it can be dealt with in many tried and proven ways and methods. Your story parallels so many people's stories as you can see on the story section of our site (you might even find your own story there :-).

There are two prerequisites to being helped.
1) You must truly believe you can be helped (reading the recovery stories on our site can help you with this)
2) You must truly want to be helped (The fact you posted your struggles means you are on the way).

For starters, I want you to do just one thing for me. I want you to read carefully through the feature story on our site. It's a bit long, but I think it's vital - especially for you. After you have done that, write back here on the forum preferably, or by e-mail, and tell me your thoughts. Then we'll see how we can work with you further.

Haba Le'taher, Mesayin Lo. Be ready to give your addiction and disease over to the care of G-d. Be ready to trust G-d that he will care for you as you heal! (See this page for more on getting started).

[niceguy]

thanks for listening, Elya,
yeah, i think i have some things to think about.i never saw my life as lying and hiding so much but thats exactly what it was.maybe thats why i've been wanting to get all this out for so long. i never thought about how the hiding  would affect me.i'm considered by people and have always considered myself a very honest and ethical person.i've thought about the contradiction in myself b/f but never it's effect on me.

that was a fantastic insight ,thank you.
i've also fealt that the pleasure fantasy seeking and masturbation was much more emotional than physical.but i really need to pin down why i feel i need this so much.i consider myself to be a generally happy person,but i do have a lot of anxiety.about making paople happy and them making me happy.2 main times i've noticed i look for this outlet(aside from pure lust drive) are when i feel i have failed in pleasing somone or they've failed in pleasing me.

the hooking up w/ live people thing really worries me.i've recently started trying to make myself look uglier to discourage those thoughts.i read the post about the guy who got his babysitter pregnant and destroyed his life and it really sobered me up.

you're right , i gotta get connected to a group counseling program. but the opening up like i did in the post is going to be murder.i could only do it here b/c its anonymous.
can't this forum be enough?i don't look like the kind of person who would have these problems.i look more like a rebbe than a sex addict.
i've been clean for about a week now but i started officially counting on this past friday. just being connected to the site and forum has given me more strength. i hope the partner and posts will make me even stronger. this is the first time i've thought i can actually kick it for good - with help.

shabbos was good.....but you know sometimes i think there are just too many women in the world. where do they all come from?!

[niceguy]

my dear mr. webmaster,
i must say i'm truly in shock  that story is unbelievable !its just exactly like me- the parallel is crazy!i almost thought it could'nt be real.except for some small details it's the same story!(i didn't think anyone else on the planet drew pictures in the bathroom!)
i read the whole article twice. i thought i was listening to myself.i was also told to get married  .sure did a heck of a lot.right down to the wife getting angry and upset .only i opened up to my wife b/f she found out herself. she couldn't fully accept it until she caught me trying to peek at a site right under her nose. she called me a liar and a cheat.but she got the picture of where i'm holding. i'm grateful for that .she put me on a white list w/ nothing but yeshiva world ,yiddele, and you guys(great little lady, she is). she was hurt for a while and i fealt like garbage for causing it, but she doesn't want to divorce me and we worked through it. she's being supportive and as understanding as she can be . she's very happy i found this site so i can talk out my problems.

so what do you say ?does it look like i'm a candidate for SLAA  group therapy ?or this Dr. peptyl stuff?the level of intensity he had for a pleasure fix sounds very familiar.i've definitely had that in my life though i might have mellowed somewhat in my old age, can't be sure.i'm learning some new things about myself recently.
   that was an excellent story match up WM.i feel better already . what next?

[me]

Dear NiceGuy,

  Firstly you should know that probably most of us here look like cheder Rebbies.
   I have a friend here, and his wife always seems to know what is going on in the community. Almost everytime I bump into him, (we always share mussar and chizuk for our general matzav in golus,) he starts telling me some unbelievable things that have happened.  Suspicious wives, and then just recenly stories about some men with really long beards. (I no longer let him finish the stories, since they are NOT good for me to hear(preventive therapy),  and even once he  told me of a known Rav. here (with followers etc,) and this Rav also helped women. Shalom Bais etc.   Well, one day Mr. Yetzer tricked him and he did the unthinkable. All of his chassidim couldn't believe it. And, he said on himslef, "I fell, I fell...nafalti".
    In short, the lengths of our beards will not save us. As you know it is not the hat that makes the man but rather what is underneath it. All of us yidden, big and small alike are near the end of golus where this yetzer harah is at it's strongest. I went to a big Admor here, and he told me, "even tzadikim have thoughts like this", but it is not the thought that makes  one evil, it is what we choose to do with it. If we beat it out, we rise to unimagineable heights, and if we let it over run us then.....
    That fact that you are here proves that you are going in the right direction.
   The main advice I have for you is:  "Simchah".    You mentioned that you are full of anxiety, and this is one of the major causes of this taivah.  In fact I saw it written that the first thing the yetzer does with us is to fill our minds with worries and anxieties, and then when we feel sad etc, this is what allows the klipot of arios to cling to us and over take our minds. I believe that your first step is to conquer your anxieties, and try to be b'simchah as much as possible, and remove every and any anxiety causing thought that enters your mind.
  The Baal Shomer Emunim said, " that we have a mitzvah of Ivdu Es Hashem B'Simchah".  Then the yetzer comes in to our minds and says, "what do you have to be happy about, just look around you,look at all of the sickness, poverty, suffering etc....But, we must know that this is the yetzer telling us this. He goes on to explain. "Who is it that taught us "Ivdu Es Hashem B'Simchah?....The Rashbi in the Zohar. And he says, "If anyone had reason to be down and sad, the Rashbi did, since he lived right after the time of the Churban Beis Hamikdash, yet, it was the Rashbi, that taught, "Ivdu......
   Lachatzim Al HaGoyim!  We yidden must be happy!

[guardureyes]

Dear Niceguy,

I indeed sent you to the feature story because I noticed a few parallels

When did your wife get upset and put you on a white list? Was it recently? Sometimes, these type of things are precisely the incentives we need to make serious changes in our lives. It is a Bracha, and putting you on a white-list was a very important step for your recovery.

You are definitely a candidate for group therapy. The forum is one type of group therapy, but I would suggest possibly joining SLA as well. If you have a problem with that, you may have to get up in middle of the night and join the "Jewish Healing Group" on the phone, 9 PM, U.S hours, every Tuesday I think. Contact yidvre@gmail.com for more info, and see this page. I also think you may be a candidate for psychotherapy, and I sent you some contact info yesterday.

I don't think you are a candidate yet for the shots unless you are not seeing progress in any of the other ways and feel that you may end up doing something that may harm someone else or land you in jail. The problem with the shots is that you don't end up working on yourself and leave the bad stuff there, only closed up. As soon as you're off the shots, the bad stuff comes back. Also, it will reduce intimacy and sex with your wife to zero (although after a half a year or so they can try to reach a "balance" to allow you to still be with your wife).

Before considering the shots, I would try group therapy, psychotherapy, and even possibly SSRI medication, as you saw in the story, especially if anxiety brings about the addictive behaviours. And if you take your recovery seriously, I would go through our "tips" section carefully, trying to implement the tips, slowly but surely, until you are healed. And for chizuk, browse through the hundreds of previous chizuk e-mails we sent out, starting from the first page here.

You have read stories similar to yours, people who have been there and gotten out. You have learned that it's an addiction and that there are clear-cut ways to deal with it. You are a frum Jew, a holy Jew. The time of excuses is over. We are all here for you, to help you and give you support. It's time to make the jump.

[niceguy]

thank's for the chizuk me.i guess i shouldn't be happy about other yidden being in tzurus but at least i know there are others like me and thats comforting. i agree simcha is the key. but the road for me is not so simple. i need to unravel the things that are wiring me the wrong way.and get rid of them! i'll be looking in to therapy.i've worked on simcha for years and have really improved tremendously, but the groove dug by my earlier life experiences is deeper than i realized and needs it 's own attention.i want to be free of it once and for all.thanks for the support!

[niceguy]

dear webmaster,
yeah it was just a few weeks ago. i was trying to get her to realize my issues with having the computer and i was learning for myself how much blocking i needed .i would try one level of blocker ,get through it , then tell her it ,s not good enough.finally we got to the point where i would only be on line w/ her in the room. i managed to sneek stuff through even then.but the last time i erased it just as she turned around and forgot to delete it from the history she just saw the name of the site on the list and it finally clicked for her that i can't be trusted w/ the computer at all.it was very embarrassing and painful for both of us.i still feel like i'm in withdrawal i kept checking my access hoping maybe she made a mistake.i started feeling really stupid and stopped that.B'H i'm holding out and feeling better. and i'm clean for a little while already but as stated by the fellow in the feature story i get aroused very easily.i was getting excited just attempting to connect knowing i wouldn't be able to, but thinking of what i'd see if i could. i also get aroused from sounds outside or in other peoples apartments.i know this sounds ridiculous and i myself know it's not true but i sometimes think people are having sex when i here sounds at night. sometimes i KNOW its a washing machine but i have to check and listen!i feel like an idiot and stop myself but not b/f i check.this is an old habit i've had since i was a teenager.i mentioned my parents weren't religious and they weren't too careful about their intimate time together.i listened to them a few times and think i got hooked.i would take walks at night listening as i went past peoples houses for sounds of sex.i never went into anyones property and baruch H' noone ever called the cops on me (though it would've helped me if they did.)B'h i haven't done that in years but part of it is b/c i grew up and found easier ways to satisfy my need.

So i think it'll have to be SLA for me .Although i'd really love to  join the frum group . i'd feel so much more comfortable knowing i'm talking to people with beards and koppels that will understand me.is there something like that in Israel? But i'm ready to go even if it's not.i don't think i have any secrets left .i should just call the # you sent me and say i want to come to a meeting?

[guardureyes]

You are a brave man! And you can't imagine how much love Hashem is really showing you by bringing this out in the open between you and your wife. It's a bitter pill to swallow, and it's hard for you both, but it is this very pill that will bring about your salvation. You are definitely a candidate for SLA and I commend your courage. Just bite the bullet and make the phone call. (I found an old cell number in my research files for someone religious in Jerusalem who can give you advice about SLA. His name is Shaul and his number is 050 7930130. It's from a few years ago so I don't know if it will still work).

As far as fool proof filtering, here in Israel I would suggest eNativ or Internet Rimon, with the white-list option. See this page for contact info on the Israeli filters, and see this page for our answer to someone that kept finding ways around filters.

If you join the SLA groups, please keep us updated on what you learn there. I am sure many of us could benefit from the tips they teach there and the stories you will hear. One tip in recovery is to keep a log of your progress each week and send it to a sponsor. You could send it to me at eyes.guard@gmail.com

May Hashem be with you!

[Mevakesh Hashem]

I have been away, and am just catching up on this thread. I dont have much to add, as all the responses were right on target! All I can say is that you arent crazy, and arent that different from my story, or the rest of us here. The Yetzer Hara got his grip on us all!

[niceguy]

o.k. i'm looking for the meeting .anybody know where Bar Kochba 66 is?(i don't have access to e-maps...)

[snax]

See if this helps you

[guardureyes]

Nice Guy, contact SLAA and ask them when, where, etc... at this e-mail address: jerusalemslaa@yahoo.com

[niceguy]

thanks a lot