jeffs journey

[Jeff]

I've been going through a tough couple of weeks but 2 days ago I got 
inspired and I want to take that inspiration and try to get the most 
out of it so I decided to start the 90 day journey. I hope it goes well.
Have a wonderful shabbos everyone.
Jeff

[imtrying25]

Dear jeff,

     How are you doing?? Happy to see your taking the inspiration to the next level and doing something about it! Lucky you!

Wishing you the best of luck and hatzlacha on your new journey!!

have a most wonderful shabbos!

[Briut]

Is it fair to ask what the inspiration was to sign up, and even what the other life challenges were? I don't know what to cheer for....

B'hatzlacha in any case for remaining clean.

[bardichev]

Heiligeh Jeff

Take your inspiration
And put it to work!
KEEP ON TRUCKIN

[sci1977]

Hey Jeff,

you inspired me just by being here.  Keep on being inspired and remember to always stay positive no matter what is going on.

Keep up the good work and let us know how you are doing.

[Jeff]

Thank you guys for the encouragment it's much needed and appreciated.

Is it fair to ask what the inspiration was to sign up, and even what the other life challenges were? I don't know what to cheer for....

Actually Briut it's not only fair it's great (I have a hard time 
opening up so direct questions really help me).

What happened was when I first started with GYE I had a huge 
inspiration which lasted about a month. Then life through some curve 
balls, B"H we had our 4th baby but the lack of sleep and the 
adjustments which had to be made threw me off. Then more things just 
kept on happening (you know how it goes when it rains it pours).

I lasted about another 5 weeks without acting out, then I fell and 
with the fall came depression (although not as hard a depression as 
usual thanks to the great advice and support from GYE). During my low 
I did a lot of reading about the source of the addiction and I tried 
through meditation to connect to G-d and find comfort. What I found 
was a gaping hole inside of me.

The inspiration came when one day I connected to my family on a level 
where I felt this hole filling (don't ask me how I wouldn't be able to 
explain it). It's this healing and inspiration which I hope will help 
me reach new levels.

By the way I'm at 11 days

[Yiddle2]

Thats amazing Jeff! What you felt was what we need to overcome this thing. Theres an Orlah on our hearts that is blocking us from truly connecting with Hashem. We need to peel it away. Unfortuantely we cant just rip it off. We'll take it layer by layer and peel it away. How do we do this? There are a few different types of layers. The main one is the one that really connects us to Hashem. That we can peal away by doing Mitzvos better with more Kavanah. Another layer is the conncetion we have with others around us. That we can peal away by changing our perspectives and motives on things in life. Lofty expectations lead to even bigger falls. And the third layer is the conncetion with ourselves. We always say "I am a good person! I do everything Hashem wants! Why do I have an addiction?" We probably arent being honest with ourselves in that respect. We need to work on out Middos (especially Gaivah in my eyes, but all are very important).

Jeff, you started to peel away at the Orlah that blocks your connection with others. Felt good didnt it? Well imagine how good its going to feel when you do this for EVERYONE! That will be infinitely more pleasure that we get from acting out in our lifetime!

You just inspired me to connect more. I am going to make a randim phone call to a family member now and connect with them!

Thanks Jeff.

-Yiddle

[silentbattle]

It's great that you're embarking on this journey - it sounds like you've already had a lot of success, and this is a perfect way to build on that!

Did you find anything in your reading about addiction that you felt connected with what you were/are going through?

[Jeff]

This post Is long overdue. 

I need help figuring out where i'm holding. 

About 4 months ago I joined GYE I was totally inspired and I soared for about a month. That was followed by a 2nd month of losing the inspiration till I finally fell after 62 days. During that time I was using the handbooks. After my fall I decided I needed more help and started reading the "white book" and the "big book" and I decided to start working the 12 steps. 

I'm now 38 days clean and working steps 1-3. I hope to continue with step 4 soon. 

But here's my problem by my first attempt when I was soaring my connection with Hashem through avodas Hashem was better then ever before in my life. After my fall in contrast I fell lower them ever, and now even after 38 days clean and turning over the fight to Hashem whenever things get difficult I feel farther away then ever. Besides for actually asking Hashem to rid me of my lust I don't feel like we have anything else to do with each other. I hardly daven anymore, teffilin I rush to put on before shkia and there have been too many days where I missed it altogether. My shabbos isn't the same and there's almost zero learning. My understanding of the 12 steps is to revive yourself spiritually and to reconnect with G-d, but I feel like I'm missing the boat. Is my lack of connection indicative of something wrong with my aproach of the steps? 

I'm very confused 
Jeff  

[silentbattle]

I'm not an expert in the 12 steps, but what you're saying strikes a chord with me - and with most people, I'd suspect. Sometimes, we feel an immediate connection, and everything feels spiritual, and beautiful.

Other times, we don't feel it. And our job is to push through, and daven anyway, and get close anyway, and make it beautiful.

Kinda like in marriage - there are times when things aren't beautiful. And you don't see the responses even when you do the right thing. And my job is to do the right thing anyway, to work on making my wife happy, even when I don't see the relationship improving, I don't feel the closeness.

So in short - I think it's normal, and it sounds like you're going great places - we live in a world of darkness, so we can't always see what we've built. but when the time comes, you'll see that you've built a wonderful connection to hashem!

[Jeff]

Thank you silent I really appreciate your response.

 I know you're right, it's like what Rabbi Tatz says in his book "living inspired". Life is spent in 3 different phases first Hashem gives you inspiration to show you what you can achieve (but that's just a gift it's not really yours) then He takes away the inspiration and that's where the real struggle lies it's at this stage where we have to struggle to get back where we were and the last stage is when we succeed and we make that which we were working on a part of us.
The problem is maintaining that mindset. But thanks to you I will now try to shift back to proper focus and keep going. 

Once again thank you.
Jeff   

[silentbattle]

Glad i have the opportunity to offer my advice to someone as awesome as you!

Yes, I was thinking along those lines, from R' Akiva Tatz, as well as other sources. Keep in mind, by the way, that things don't always start with a burst of inspiration. Sometimes the first burst of energy comes from us. In this case, though, the initial burst WAS a gift, so you've gotta match it.

i think something important to remember is that in all of life, not just this area - we're not going for the spiritual feeling - we want to be truly spiritual, truly healthy, whether we feel it or not! Living with that reality isn't always easy, but it's something we can work on, and remind ourselves when things get tough.

And it sounds like you're doing what you need to do - keep it up!