If you need to increase your fear of heaven to stop yourself, the video clip linked on
this page can maybe help.
Don't fall into this slippery slope of addiction. It only gets worse, never better. It can destroy your life and your marriage and you ETERNITY!
Chazal (Niddah 13a) write that HZ”L is as if one has spilled blood or worshiped Avodah Zorah, and that those who do it are chayev misah biday shamayim. The Zohar even goes as far to say that it is the worst sin in the Torah. Another terrible result of these sins brought down in the holy books, is that they desensitize our souls to spiritual connection. The more we sin in these areas, the more desensitized we become. This is a commonly experienced phenomenon, where people slowly lose their yearning for spirituality, and they start to feel ever more disconnected from Torah, Shabbos and Mitzvos. Unfortunately, this also makes Teshuvah all the more unlikely, as one becomes more and more disconnected.
Also, maintaining our addiction requires constant hiding, lies, and living a double life. This cuts us off from the world around us and doesn’t let us feel the tremendous kindness of Hashem that fills our lives. It blinds us to the goodness in the world around us, to our souls, and to Hashem. We begin to lose appreciation for our own wives and children. We are unable to find inner peace, we can’t stop lusting everywhere we go, and we remain closed up within a shell that no one can penetrate.
It is also brought down in Kabalistic texts that every drop emitted in vain causes souls to be created, and these souls are snatched up by the forces of evil and become demonic forces that cause much suffering in a person’s life. The souls themselves also suffer in misery with no hope (unless we fix ourselves), and after we die they stand as terrible accusers against us. See the video clip linked above for a dramatic first-hand testimony of someone who claims he had died and experienced the judgment of the world to come. This story and video, especially where he weeps as he recalls the myriads of accusing souls that stood before him, can help inspire our Fear of Heaven and ensure that we do everything in our power to heal from this disease.
But do not let all these dramatic revelations cause you to despair. Teshuvah was created even before the world was created, and Hashem knew that we would stumble in these areas. Hashem has infinite patience and he understands us far better than we even understand ourselves. Chazal say that Hashem even brought David Hamelech to stumble with Bat Sheva, only to show us the incredible power of Teshuvah.
Also, it is brought down in the Holy books that through a sincere Teshuvah, all the souls that we created through our sins actually become uplifted, and they change from being “accusing angels” and become “defending angels” instead.
So never despair! By learning the proper perspective on this struggle, and by taking the steps we can to break free, we are doing exactly what Hashem intended for us to do all along.
