90 Days - Bring it on!

[Halevi]

Hi everyone,

This is my introductory post to the forum and beginning of my 90 day journey to sobriety and freedom from this terrible aveirah which has controlled me for far too long.

I first stumbled upon this site just two days ago. I was reading this (http://www.vosizneias.com/45949/2009/12/31/new-york-the-roving-eye) article on vosizneias about how a husband's porn addiction was tormenting his wife and happened to notice that someone mentioned this website in one of the comments at the bottom of the story. I googled it and have to say that I was amazed by the amount of content and tools available. I was further amazed by this fabulous community which is full of caring ovdei Hashem who support one another and are committed to overcoming their y"h and becoming better people and Jews. It really is an inspiration.

I have personally been struggling with this for quite some time now. I love being on the internet but I regularly fall into the trap of reading erotica and visiting pornographic websites, which I'm ashamed to say has led to regular episodes of shichvas zera (1-2 times per week!). I know this has to stop. When I was in yeshiva in Israel I had far greater control over this addiction, and at my best was able to go for a stretch of half a year without mishap. I knew that when I eventually left for home it was going to be far more difficult to remain clean. I cried and prayed at the kotel that I should have the strength to overcome it. Unfortunately, I have failed time and time again and that's why I am here, ready to turn the tables.

I have downloaded both manuals and have already almost completed my first reading of the handbook. I have also signed up for the daily chizuk emails and just requested a license for the filter from the filter gabbai. I am a little afraid about how much the filter will block out because I don't want it to interfere too greatly with my internet use - just the bad stuff! I also feel some of the handbook is probably not for me because I'm no "sex addict". Apart from the odd handshake during interviews, I've remained shomer negiyah my entire life (I'm now 22) and have never had a sexual episode.

At the moment I'm not prepared to go to the opposite extreme. I love my movies and my music and I like working out in the gym, but I know that this addiction of masturbation and porn has to end.

Thank you all for reading this post and G-d bless. May we all benefit to succeed in our endeavours.

Yours,

Halevi.

[bardichev]

Our best gift to you is that you will speak with people just like u and u will remain totally anonymous.

Resolve to stay here as long as you can

Post away

Welcome

Soryy that u are being welcomed by the two least serious people on the forum

Me and rage

But you are in good hands

Keep on trucking

GEVALDIGGGGGGG

Bards
 

[habaletaher]

Welcome Halevi,

I'm sure you will find this place as inspirational and supportive as we all find it. The more you get involved the more it will help, so dive right in. I'm relatively new here, but already on a comfortable 19 day streak, which I totally owe to the ppl here!!

Kick off your shoes, throw your feet up on the table, take any cigar you want from the humidor, pour yourself a generous shot of Basil Hayden and make yourself at home!!!

[bardichev]

HALEVI ARE U STILL WITH US??

[Halevi]

Heck yeah, I'm still with you and going strong, B"H.

Thanks for the warm welcome.

Let me say this: I've installed the K-9 filter and sent the password to the filter-gabbai. The filter isn't on the most extreme of settings - I was surprised by the amount of flexibility you have over it - but I certainly have it blocking most of the major danger areas. I can't tell you how much of a relief it is! This is something I've wanted to do for years but knew that if I were the one with administration rights it would be pointless. I'd have it up for as long as I had control over the lust, and then disable it as soon as it got too hard. With the gabbai in control, it's a whole different ball game (no pun intended). It is such an incredible service which this website offers and so critically important too! I'm so grateful.

But I'm well aware that the filter is only a crutch. Ultimately, the change must come from within. 

My goal with this new filter is never to trigger it. I want to surf the web without even noticing it because I want my internet behaviour to change to the extent that I don't even consider surfing these treifa sites.

[imtrying25]

welcome welcome Reb Halevi. Youve come to the right place. There are so many people here that are willing and waiting to help any yid in need. So when ever you need it call out. Youll get answered quicker than you could imagine. Look around the site and youll see all the great things it has to offer. hatzlacha on your journey. We are all here for you. So hop on and enjoy the ride.

[OneLife]

that I don't even consider surfing these treifa sites.

LOL!!!

not to challenge the filter is the major rule in this area.
the addiction is strong than the filter so don't try a even a little ...
i wish you hazlacha!!  

[guardureyes]

I also feel some of the handbook is probably not for me because I'm no "sex addict".

What the handbooks refer to as "sex-addiction" simply means "lust addiction". Most of the guys here are not addicted to live sexual liaisons, but rather sexaholics anonymous deals with Lust addiction in all it's forms. And that applies equally to you. The handbooks therefore apply fully to you.

As far as the question as to what constitutes an addiction, see this article where Rabbi Twerski explains how one can get addicted to this from a single use! Even if someone can go without it for a long time, he is still addicted if specific situations make him feel powerless to resist it even though it goes against his morals and inner desires. See also this page.

Also, as Rabbi Twerski once asked someone who asked your question, "if you're not an addict, why don't you just stop doing it?"

So keep reading the handbooks, my good friend!

Be well!

[Steve]

Halevi,

Welcome Home! Your new home filled with many who understand and empathize with every aspect of your struggle, because it's OUR struggle.

I know this has to stop. When I was in yeshiva in Israel I had far greater control over this addiction... I cried and prayed at the kotel that I should have the strength to overcome it. Unfortunately, I have failed time and time again... and that's why I am here... I also feel some of the handbook is probably not for me because I'm no "sex addict"...

I'm gonna start out with the strong stuff, my friend, cuz you just gotta understand the yesod: How do we define an addiction? It's when you KNOW it's the wrong behavior, you see clearly how it's hurting you and is or will ruin your life, but regardless YOU STILL CAN'T STOP. I'm not referring to the "not being able to stop in the middle of one act", which is the clearest sign, but even the "Not being able to stop from going back to repeat it again." Look at your words above. They remind me of the smoker who says "I can quit smoking anytime i want - I've quit 5 times already...!"

You will one day, you must one day understand that you ARE an addict, a LUST addict. Feel inside yourself. Do you have a craving, a deep desire to lust, and to be lusted after? Did we not watch the P**n clips because we were projecting ourselves into the movie? Why? Be honest. Were we not seeking some sense of power or control? Or were we looking to numb ourselves from facing some uncomfortable realities in our lives? And since we are not proud of ourselves, why not seek that pleasure in ways we know to be self-destructive?

And we can not truly "control" this addiction. That's the definition of an addiction - it's out of our control. Once we start an act of lust, once we give in once, we can not pull out until we fall steeply. Do you not agree?

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE IS NO HOPE! We are not doomed. WE CAN BECOME FREE FROM THE DESIRE TO LUST. That's right. YOU can get to a place where you will no longer have the desire to lust ever again. Like the Yetzer Hara to eat a trief steak, which you do not have because it is below your "bechira point" in life, you can do the same for your Yetzer Hara for Lust. You can move on from it.

On this site you will find more than just chizuk to stay clean, my friend. You will find the challenge to explore WHY you got this way, why we all get this way, what our real driving motivations and fears are that lead us to WANT to LUST.

All the excuses, the thinking "OK, IT'S JUST A BATHING SUIT PICTURE, IT'S SAFER." which ends up dragging us further down into worst images, etc. And without the internet, which BTW I am overawed that you are boldly getting out of your life, still the provocatively dressed women you just pass on the street are potential triggers. You can and should do all you can to avoid triggers. But that is not the final ticket to freedom from lust. We need a system to avoid what the triggers do to us.

And the secret to THAT, my friend, can be found in an anonymous 12-Step Program, several of which you can find thru this site. I'm sure they are all excellent, but i have just finished one with Duvid Chaim, and I can recommend him very highly. He is amazing, and SO good at what he does. He's starting another one in February, so look into them and see if you can join. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.

Meanwhile, keep up the good work!! Daven for help, and call out here for chizuk any time.

Hatzlacha rabbah!!!

Steve.

[Think Good]

Welcome aboard the GYE community read the daily emails and try to avoid the movies. There is no movie that has no women, lust is lust.

[imtrying25]

Steve your just awesome. I dont know how you do it. You just spit out all these great posts all over the forum. WOW!!!

[Halevi]

I also feel some of the handbook is probably not for me because I'm no "sex addict".

What the handbooks refer to as "sex-addiction" simply means "lust addiction". Most of the guys here are not addicted to live sexual liaisons, but rather sexaholics anonymous deals with Lust addiction in all it's forms. And that applies equally to you. The handbooks therefore apply fully to you.

As far as the question as to what constitutes an addiction, see this article where Rabbi Twerski explains how one can get addicted to this from a single use! Even if someone can go without it for a long time, he is still addicted if specific situations make him feel powerless to resist it even though it goes against his morals and inner desires. See also this page.

Also, as Rabbi Twerski once asked someone who asked your question, "if you're not an addict, why don't you just stop doing it?"

So keep reading the handbooks, my good friend!

Be well!

Thank you so much for this post.

I read both the links you posted and took the time to view the entire youtube video. They were truly enlightening. I suppose I always knew that porn was bad in the sense that it is immoral and obviously assur according to halacha, but the actual insidious and powerfully addictive nature of porn as well as the dangerous spiral of such an addiction is something which I'm only coming to terms with now. I think I've been partly sucked in to the pervasive mentality that porn is acceptable in society and as a single male, I had come to justify my behaviour by putting it down to the fact that everyone needs a sexual outlet and some way of relieving sexual tension - "it's only normal". Of course that's purely a devise of the y"h but it can be very difficult to ignore.

Even if what I have isn't an "addiction" in the true sense of the word - although, I now believe it is - it is most definitely a destructive form of behaviour with which I have struggled for a long time to overcome. That alone should be enough. Arguing over the semantics or definitions is not helpful to getting out of the rut.

[Halevi]

Welcome aboard the GYE community read the daily emails and try to avoid the movies. There is no movie that has no women, lust is lust.

I've signed up the daily emails and I'm making a point of reading them every morning. It's another great tool provided by this fantastic, life saving website. Yasher Koach to the wonderful people behind it.

As for the movies, that will be a major struggle. I love my movies.

[Halevi]

Halevi,

Welcome Home! Your new home filled with many who understand and empathize with every aspect of your struggle, because it's OUR struggle.

Thanks, brother!

I know this has to stop. When I was in yeshiva in Israel I had far greater control over this addiction... I cried and prayed at the kotel that I should have the strength to overcome it. Unfortunately, I have failed time and time again... and that's why I am here... I also feel some of the handbook is probably not for me because I'm no "sex addict"...

I'm gonna start out with the strong stuff, my friend, cuz you just gotta understand the yesod: How do we define an addiction? It's when you KNOW it's the wrong behavior, you see clearly how it's hurting you and is or will ruin your life, but regardless YOU STILL CAN'T STOP. I'm not referring to the "not being able to stop in the middle of one act", which is the clearest sign, but even the "Not being able to stop from going back to repeat it again." Look at your words above. They remind me of the smoker who says "I can quit smoking anytime i want - I've quit 5 times already...!"

Spot on.

You will one day, you must one day understand that you ARE an addict, a LUST addict. Feel inside yourself. Do you have a craving, a deep desire to lust, and to be lusted after? Did we not watch the P**n clips because we were projecting ourselves into the movie? Why? Be honest. Were we not seeking some sense of power or control? Or were we looking to numb ourselves from facing some uncomfortable realities in our lives? And since we are not proud of ourselves, why not seek that pleasure in ways we know to be self-destructive?

Can't I just be a lust addict and leave it at that? There may be deeper issues at play but there's nothing which screams out to me at the moment. I don't think I've been projecting or seeking power or control. My life is pretty good - I have two loving parents and two fantastic siblings and I don't have any stresses or great worries to contend with. Porn can be exciting and lusting can be enjoyable. With any rush, it's easy to get hooked. But if I were to put it down to anything, I'd say simple boredom and curiosity would play a part. Maybe it's as a result of spending too much time in isolation? Who knows.

And we can not truly "control" this addiction. That's the definition of an addiction - it's out of our control. Once we start an act of lust, once we give in once, we can not pull out until we fall steeply. Do you not agree?

I agree.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THERE IS NO HOPE! We are not doomed. WE CAN BECOME FREE FROM THE DESIRE TO LUST. That's right. YOU can get to a place where you will no longer have the desire to lust ever again. Like the Yetzer Hara to eat a trief steak, which you do not have because it is below your "bechira point" in life, you can do the same for your Yetzer Hara for Lust. You can move on from it.

And yet I've read on this website that "once an addict, always an addict". So which is it?

On this site you will find more than just chizuk to stay clean, my friend. You will find the challenge to explore WHY you got this way, why we all get this way, what our real driving motivations and fears are that lead us to WANT to LUST.

Where and how can I find that out?

All the excuses, the thinking "OK, IT'S JUST A BATHING SUIT PICTURE, IT'S SAFER." which ends up dragging us further down into worst images, etc. And without the internet, which BTW I am overawed that you are boldly getting out of your life, still the provocatively dressed women you just pass on the street are potential triggers. You can and should do all you can to avoid triggers. But that is not the final ticket to freedom from lust. We need a system to avoid what the triggers do to us.

I'm trying really hard to avoid triggers at the moment. Today I went to the beach and as you can imagine it was packed with women in revealing outfits. I made a point of not gazing at ANY of them. I meditated on the line in avos that "who is strong? one who conquers their inclination".

And the secret to THAT, my friend, can be found in an anonymous 12-Step Program, several of which you can find thru this site. I'm sure they are all excellent, but i have just finished one with Duvid Chaim, and I can recommend him very highly. He is amazing, and SO good at what he does. He's starting another one in February, so look into them and see if you can join. YOU WILL NOT REGRET IT.

I read a fantastic testimonial for it this morning in the daily email. It's a phone hookup though, isn't it? I'm not from Israel, the US or the UK so I'm not sure how I could join in. Parents pay the phone bill. It feels a little too extreme at the moment anyway. I've watched TV shows on people dealing with addiction. Just recently I was watching a show about celebrities dealing with sex addiction It's called "Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew". Now those people are really screwed up.

Meanwhile, keep up the good work!! Daven for help, and call out here for chizuk any time.

Hatzlacha rabbah!!!

Steve.

Thanks,

Halevi.

[Steve]

I cant do the fancy quote/counter quote graphic stuff like you guys.

Can't I just be a lust addict and leave it at that?   And yet I've read on this website that "once an addict, always an addict". So which is it?

That's it exactly. Think of the addiction as an allergy. You have developed a sensitivity that is beyond your control. If you take that one small drop of peanut butter on your tongue, your throat will close up and you'll stop breathing. It doesn't matter how many years you wait in between exposures. One small taste and you're in mortal peril. What we are allergic to is poison, and like a heroin addiction, we crave it even tho we know it's gonna kill us, cuz we think we can can control it and stop 'one day."

Do you want to remove the desire, the need you have to lust and fantasize? The answer should be YES, or you wouldn't be here, you'd be at the Movies the whole day long looking at different Avatars.   

You wanna just accept being a lust addict, fine, that's what we all need to do is acknowledge that, but we must go the extra step and recognize this addiction is an allergy, and we can never heal ourselves from an allergy. One little exposure and we fall hard and fast. I don't mean an exposure to triggers. i mean ACTING upon those triggers in the LUST way, which includes the turning for a second look, which leads us to staring longer, beginning to imagine what they are like under the clothes and then moving onto fantasy, eventually building up the sexual tension and thinking it's healthier to get relief, justifying by giving in even this one time, and we'll just hafta do better next time.

The problem we have is we think we are in control of the addiction, by controlling our exposure to triggers, etc. BUT YOU ARE FOOLING YOURSELF. You're avoiding triggers? Why in heaven's name are you going to the beach? Why are you going into the movies? Do you think Hollywood gives a D**M about your soul? Yeah it's exciting, and enjoyable, and a rush, BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL AFTERWARDS? And don't you think seeing even "innocent" visuals in love stories are going to awaken your desire to have what they have?

You are walking on the train tracks while listening to your head phones, and you think just by closing your eyes your not gonna get hit?

But if I were to put it down to anything, I'd say simple boredom and curiosity would play a part. Maybe it's as a result of spending too much time in isolation? Who knows.

So look inside. Why are you "bored?" What's missing? Why are you in "isolation?" Who's missing? What are you "curious" about? Is not SOMETHING else in life more intriguing?

When you can answer those questions HONESTLY, then and only then can you get at the root of the reason of WHY you lust. Only then can you make positive steps to MOVE FORWARD toward getting those things that you are missing in a MEANINGFUL AND SPIRITUAL WAY. And when you are on THAT road, my dear friend, you'll never have to fear your peanut butter again, because you would be living a life of such profound meaning, one in which you will find all the excitement, adventure, and fulfillment you could have ever wanted.