shemirat einayim. Finally going on the chart

[shemirateinayim]

Trust me I am scray when I get mad! I gave them a look that and the biggest of them dropped his rock and stepped back in retreat. Agav I did wind him with a blow to the chest (but nothing that can make a chaburah, it just knocked him backwards a few steps). Don't mess....YOU HEAR THAT Y"H SON'T MESS!!!

When I am driven, 'Ain Davar Haomed Bifnei haratzon!' .   And I'm a living proof.

[shemirateinayim]

I had a great shabbos, with no time to have hirhurim, and little time to breath!

But in spite of this, i've had THOUSANDS of nissyonos in shmiras einayim!!! and Bechasdei hashem, even when i had to look at what women where doing, I was capable of doing so, and not seeing either their face or figure!!! i only know that one had a ponytail, and one has curly brown hair (but their not married so there is no ervah in it). Hakadosh barush hu loves me, and even in the grim bind of pritzus that I temporarily live-in, I have full command of my eyes. The only shayla, that I do plan to ask, is whether I am allowed to see pritzus in my periphral vision. The last time I asked my posek, I made his face cringe... that was the psak. but if he tells me no.... then my YH will have a field day, my skin will learn to thicken, and I'm gonna learn to have entire conversations staring at the wall.

OK now I'm realy afraid to ask the shayla,,  he better be maikil!!!!!

Oh and for the first time in 2  months I have finnaly said tikun chatzos, tonight and last night. WOW it felt good to get alittle bit of ruchnius back into my system. It's such a mechayeh to shed some tears over the churban of klalyisrael and the schinah.    I am a walking chruban, Elokim bau Goyim benachalatecha !!  Even th beis hamedrash is not immune to P__N!   I have brought the very phone that surfs the zonos of the word...into the beis hamedrash, I have used it as a talmid yeshiva, and i have used it as a ben torah!!  Elokim Bau Goyim Benachalatecha!!!

Oh and day 5+13+all my prrevious work+the effort it takes to be shomer einayim = H' is shepping nachas

[silentbattle]

Yes, He is! Keep on rocking!

_{take off your glasses...it's the easiest option}...what? did someone say something?

[shemirateinayim]

"Humf !"   *walking into the house after a very long day*
"I had such a bad day today!"
I couldn't eat melava malka untill 230am, and then i didn't get to bed till 3:10. I woke-up at 8:30, and wasn't able to start davening untill 5 minutes after sof zman tfilah (and stipid me forgot to sneak a krias shma bizmano)! I didn't have a free moment till 3pm and then Ive been runnign around untill now at 6:30pm !!!!!"

And to top-it-off, I have an empty room awaiting me, with acces to a big-screen TV,  pritzus roaming the halls, and I can do whatever in want without anyone caring!!! It's soo hard.   So when I finnaly DID free-up today (or so I thought), I was hit head-on with the biggest wave of tayvah in weeks (including my falls). I just sat down on the neerest chair, gritted my teeth, and begged H' to take it away... .  And thank you H' for answering in 7 seconds. Then I got an sos text, and haven't sat down untill now (B"H I squished-in mincha)"

Thank you SB. I don't know if you ever got my text, but just sitting there and writing it, gave me the support I needed to get through for those 5 minutes. "

"Oh and to top it off, now I got a stomach problem!!!  SO I have to keep runnign to the B-room, and keep running into the same nissayon!!!   Arhhh!!!!  I hate the YH 

Every time I focus on my desire to have a healthy marriadge, and to be "allowed" to go-out, It sobers me up, and re-transforms me into the BenTorah I am.

[Kedusha]

Amazing, SE!

Yes, SB, taking off one's glasses works wonders (see today's Shemiras Einayim Chizuk e-mail).  Not sure why any Ben Torah would wear contacts or undergo laser eye surgery!  

[shemirateinayim]

I know,  I live off my periphral vision.  I'm afraid what I would be like if i didn't have such bad eyesight!!!   


But 4 the hundredth time, I do all my shmiras einayim with my glasses on!!! It helps in a way, by giving me a point to focus on. I only take them off in the rare event that my hirhurim won't let me pull-it off!

[shemirateinayim]

I'm dying here!!!!!   My nissyonos are through the roof!   But I wana get married, and I wana have a GOOD and healthy relationship, so I gotta NOT lust, and in-time i will redevelop a propper perspective on love VS lust.    I am a good way there, and my addiction has been far reduced, so it's more of a 'bad habbit'. But by what this site says, and by the amount i have hooked myself on that junk, I was definitely a gunkie, and I definitely want nothing to do with a computer in my house!

[shemirateinayim]

Where better to post this than on my own "blog"


Do you know what THIS means http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/news/General+News/47269/NYC+Yeshiva+Students+To+Get+Free+Computers.html

it means that within a few days our membership, or clientelle will skyrocket.     You can't "shut-off" the internet. What goy would do that for you anyway???

[shemirateinayim]

All those tayvos have accumilated too much.

I fell, I watched a movie for the first time in 11 months, and I watched TV for the first time in 2 years!!!!!!

LKaugh away, but for me I haven't done these things in SO LONG, that this is a big fall for where I was holding untill last night. And in addition tot hsi I also 'tried out the filter' on the local network here, and sadly they have none. Oh and not to forget how I was mz"l on a feew occasions during this 16 hour long fall!!!!!

For some crazy reason, when I walked out of my room, I had zeo intention of looking at women. And as weak as I am about going to watch TV right now, I sstill have no tayvah to llook at real women??? At least H' is svaing me in that regard.  But the puzzling thing is that they are both issurim of histaklus.


Nooooooo  the TV just freed-up as I am writing this!!! and it's a BIG SCREEN 72inch monster!!!

[bardichev]

OK YOU WATCHED

NOW THE YH IS GONNA WATCH IN PAIN HOW

YOU WALK AWAY

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

POUR SOME WATER ON THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST!

[shemirateinayim]

SQUIRT SOME WATER ON THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST!

私は彼に排尿します。
_{Sorry but I had to say it}^{but I put-it in Japanese, so It might still not count as nibul peh}

[silentbattle]

OK, you fell - now get the @&*^# up, and keep moving forward!

[shemirateinayim]

B4 or after this?

When B4 I read your reply, I took the liberty of re-exploring my former childhood addiction to TV. Not so much bad things, as interesting things. And before you know it, I was fighting with myself to turn it off, so that I could eat supper at 10:00pm,  but I didn't realy have any breakfast, and I only ate a pathertic lunch at 4pm. Oh yeah, and I just said "day" at 230am!!!

I am wondering if my addiction to p___ mostly stems from my addiction to tv. Whatever it is, I always get myself lost in something else. ANd I get so uptight, and ADHD from it, that I can either freik-out, or drug myself with another 3 hours of it.

Sadly I used to do the same thing with p___. We where too frum to have a TV, but 'normal' enough to have unfiltered internet (as a kid). Frankly the only reason for getting rid of the TV was because I was blatantly addicted to it, and my parents rightfully used that word. I guess I merely channeled that addiction into p__.   What makes me wonder, is what my current trigger is for the shmutz?  For whomever has seen the story I started writing, all those issues cleared up. Or to say it better, I cleared them all up, with alot of hard work.

SO I guess my fall is still going strong.    I'm falling.................still.  
where is the bottom?

[imtrying25]

The bottom is the exact point of where you decide to stop. So stop now, and that will be your bottm!!

Keep on truckin, and dont let that yh keep you broken down!!

[silentbattle]

The bottom is wherever you decide it is.