Hello All,
My name is Struggla (not my real name obvisoly, but you can call me that here). Its been five days since i have not fallin. I live in the Midwest (of USA that is). I go to school, in a proffesional program. I have changed my life dramatically in the last few weeks to get myslef to where I am right now.
The name Struggla came from a song my Matisyahu. I look up to him and can really relate to him. I like this song very much, I think it has to do alot with my struggle through life with this addiction issue.
"Rise and never fall cause I been through it all"
This verse really stands out to me and thats my motto that I want to live by cause i have rising my judiasm and religous wise and all i wanna do is keep rising and never to fall cause i already know what thats like, no point in going back.
I'm 20 yrs old now, gonna be 21 soon. The 21 in my user name is part of the reason cause i'm gonna be 21 and another part is cause usually on average i can hold out for 21 days without falling. Hopefully by staying connected to the Shimras Ainayim website I can beat this addictive issue. Although right now I am not sure if I really am an addict or not - no worries i have my justification for this statement will prove later.
I rememeber the first time I had my sexual encounter was back in the old country - i am from central asia and i came to america when I was about 7 yrs old. My parents and my sibilings are very very traditional and i am also, but i was more raised here so I am also more americanized. Anyways, I was 7 years old when i discovered what masterbaution is. Now there was no porn or movies or hbo. It was just me exploring and bam, i found something i liked but Somehow I knew it felt wrong doing it. My initail feeling was proven to be correct because one day in the old country i decided to go sleep in the guest room when we had lots of people over. It was seperated from the rest of the house. As I started to masturbate cause i didnt know why, just cause it felt good. My mom walked in and saw me. She flipped out ofcourse and told me to stop and i asked me what i was doing. well i had no clue what was i doing. from that moment on i felt out of place, never really felt part of the group and society. Well its been awhile since that incident. I have been able to control myslef for certain periods of time. When I was in israel from the summer and went to yeshiva, i had no intetention of falling - maybe because i was in a religous enviroment. I was in Boro Park this past summer and the more time i spent there, the less i fell and more religous i became. And I wanna keep that feeling.
So why did I decide all of a sudden to keep this challenge? Well first of, i like the feeling of satistfaction that I am not commiting a sin and overcoming the y"h. The morning I wake up after not falling is a pretty good feeling. A feeling of accomplishment. Now for the real reason: I was standing at shul for nielah at yom kippur and asking Hashem forgivness and that I may do tshuvah for all the averim that i have done in the past life. A few nights before Yom Kippur I learned about what it means to do tshuvah and what is tshuvah gavora - the ultimate return to Hashem! Well picture this, i'm standing there asking Hashem for tshuvah and to be written in the book of life and yet I'm thinking that I ask for this every year and every year Hashem grants me life. EVERY SINGLE YEAR!! and what do i that in that year? I SIN! yes i do. so this year I am minimizing my sins. Hopefully i will come to a point where I wont be doing any sins, but thats practically impossible for any human being. This year I am going to better myself and become a better person. So here I am, changing myself. You know what else I realized, its not gonna be easy. No one said it was gonna be easy, but hey I have time. There are lots of changes I have made since then, especially in the last few weeks.
I should say that I wasnt shomer negaih (as u will see later) this makes masturbating a lot harder too. I am now tho and its been great so far. I have also stopped dating unitl I get this addiction settled away. I beleive that would be best. and also till i'm done with school which is gonna be awhile.
Here are some major changes in my life thus far:
-listening to kosher music: matisyahu, moshav band, our traditional music, etc
-watching kosher movies or shows or any tv ( i barely watch tv anyway with school in the way now)
-stopped watching porn (which i have not found to be a problem. I dont have a filter on my computer, i just dont go to those sites - what you guys think?)
-talking less to girls
-looking at girls less
-broke up with my girlfriend.
Yes, I had a girlfriend. I know its not an orthodox thing to do but i live in a society where it is acceptable. She is from new york and she was also a struggla. We both seem to fit pretty well actually, but i would admit that i did get blinded by her beauty sometimes. Well we werent shomer nagiah and eventually we came to be shomer toghether. but still, we sometimes have some heavy intamite converstaions late at night. Anyways that led me to do things i shouldnt be doing. We broke up not too long ago (a couple days) and in some ways i am glad. Now i can focus on my set goal that i have set from yom kippur.
So thats my life in a nutshell (or a post haha). Hope to meet you all and here we go through this journey, hopefully it wont be a struggle though!!!!
