Rules/Guidelines for Using the GYE Forum

[guardureyes]

General Rules

1.) Any cross-gender communication on our forum, or off it, is strictly forbidden. The men and women's forums are totally separated. Men cannot access the women's forum, and women cannot post on the men's forum. PM'ing between the genders is blocked by our system, and the women's e-mail addresses are hidden in their profiles. If, in spite of all these safe-guards, a man or woman finds a way to contact someone of the opposite gender from our forum, they can be banned from the forum. (* See one exception below)

2.) The GYE forum welcomes diverse viewpoints and creativity, provided that they are within (or at least not in conflict with) a Torah framework.

3.) Topics where opinions are strong and which can easily lead to controversy should generally be avoided, especially if they are not related to the issues of this forum (e.g. reconciling Torah and science, politics, etc...).
 
4.) Please try to make your posts understandable to the average reader on the forum. If there are spelling or grammatical mistakes that make your post hard to understand, a moderator may make some minor adjustments to your post to make it more understandable.

5.) Posts may not contain Lashon Horah, disrespect to Talmidei Chachamim or Chazal, Keffirah, or other violations of Halacha.
 
6.) Vulgar or blasphemous language, even if used in jest or "tongue in cheek," is forbidden on the GYE forum.  Furthermore, posts that are in poor taste may be edited or removed.

7.) No one may post anything that may insult, embarrass or offend another member of the forum. If this happens by mistake, the offender should be quick to apologize.

8.) Posts should not contain details (about personal struggles or otherwise) that others may find triggering, or contain links to websites that some may find triggering. If a member wants to submit a detailed post that may need to be edited, he should send it to the administrator or to the moderators as a private message. Women should submit such posts to the moderator in charge of the Women’s Forum (7Up).

9.) Please exercise caution in posting details about therapy sessions. What your therapist recommends for you may be completely inappropriate for most other people.

10.) We encourage everyone to share what works for them, or how they view recovery. We ask, however, that no member "put down" or "prove wrong" or "discredit" any other approaches to recovery that may be working for other members.

11.) GYE takes internet safety very seriously. While the need to be cautious is vital no matter where you surf, it is even more important when you are involved in a forum that caters to sex/Lust addiction. The GYE forum is completely anonymous and should remain that way. Posts should not contain any personal information such as real names, email addresses, telephone numbers or personal websites. Avoid mentioning any information that a third party could use to locate you - your school or shul name, favorite hangout spot, etc. are examples of things not to discuss on the forum.

If you want to share your e-mail address for the purpose of finding a partner or sponsor, please Download the Questionnaire here (right-click and choose "Save Target/Link As") and e-mail it to our "Partner/Sponsor Gabai" at partner.gye@gmail.com.

Unfortunately, befriending strangers on this forum can be just as dangerous as in real life - if not more so, since you have no way of verifying their identity and this forum caters to sex/lust/love addicts. As a rule of thumb, never agree to meet in person with someone you met on this forum. If you decide to get to know someone from the forum a little better, demand identification and voice verification before revealing any personal information. Men should NEVER meet women and women should NEVER meet men. This is not just a matter of tznius, it’s a matter of safety. Use common sense and trust your gut. If you suspect something is fishy, report it to a moderator AND stop communicating with the suspect.

*The only exception to rule #1 is "7Up", an older woman who is known as the GYE Rebbetzin, who moderates the women's forum. Men may PM her and contact her by e-mail, to get a women's perspective on things - such as if they have issues with their wives or other such questions relating to the addiction.

Upholding the Rules

1.) GYE moderators are authorized to edit posts that, in their best judgment, are in violation of the above rules/guidelines. "Editing" means removing or modifying the offending language or, if necessary, removing the entire post.
 
2.) If you read a post that seems inappropriate, please click "Report to Moderator," and give a brief explanation as to why the post should be edited or removed.  Your report will be kept confidential.  Everyone's assistance is greatly appreciated, as it is difficult for the administrator and moderators to keep up with every post in real time.

3.) Anyone found to be in violation of the rules may be either warned or blocked from the forum, at the discretion of the administrator.

[guardureyes]

Joking Around

As far as the big question of whether "joking around" is permitted and/or encouraged on the forum, or is it best to stay focused and serious, I would like to bring a great post from "OTR" (On The Road):

I had been thinking about the seriousness versus the levity that goes on here. At first I thought.... c'mon we are here for a serious problem, there is no room for jokes. However, I have come to realize that there are wise people behind these jokes, and warm caring hearts. Sometimes the etzem joking around (within the overall context of what we are here for) is, in my feeling, quite beneficial. We are here for support, and BECAUSE the traditional mehalech (mussar and such) does not work for addiction. I am super energized when someone who I can identify with as a fellow addict, laugh with as a friend, and look to for a hand when I feel weak in my commitment gives me good insight or advice. At the same time, there are times when a serious place is more in need. If this is what you seek, try to create that environment on your own personal thread. It is an important thing for sure...

And I had another thought that I wanted to add. Imagine one were partying in the middle of a disco and he suddenly felt faint. He walks over to a quiet table and realizes he is (lo aleinu) having a heart attack. He begins to yell for help, he begins to tug on other people's shirts trying to communicate that something is terribly wrong. But no one can hear him above the music and the wild atmosphere of partying has most people taking him for a drunken fool. .... After a little while of this, the bouncers pick up on the fact that this fool is distrurbing the party... they pick him up and throw him out on his ear.

In our forum we have had parties. We have had laughs and fun all around... but I have seen that if someone so much as peeps the word *help me* an army of warriors, real WARRIORS appears within minutes and sometimes seconds. Some soldiers come with nourishment, some with a battle drum and encouragement, and some with a joke to help diffuse the tension. Whatever it is, they respond like hatzolah, and at times the tears well up in my eyes as I recall those special moments we have had.

Therein, I believe, lies the difference between holelus and a group of people using all the means at their disposal to battle an enemy that is bigger and stronger then us when we are alone, but who retreats quickly when we join together.

[guardureyes]

Dov, who is sober for close to 12 years in live SA 12-Step groups, discusses the difference between the GYE forum and live SA groups (where there are no rules about what people are allowed to say and/or share)... Dov writes:

When posting on GYE, the wide range of the crowd seeing the material pretty much ensures that some who read it will be hearing exactly what they do not need to hear. In contrast, in a closed fellowship/meeting there is more context.

In a recovery fellowship, we can share anything. From recounting my failures, expressing insane desires, stupid ideas, and say shekker. It is a share and we get the inside, out.

However, on GYE, there needs to be a degree of safety in the "shares". Who knows who is reading them? They may think this is what recovery is all about and get turned off (or "turned on", for that matter).

To me, it's like the Agudah shul where I live. You cannot go in there dressed in plaid and kahkies for shacharis on shabbos. You just can't. If you do once, nu. If you keep doing it something has to be wrong w/you, for everybody else is dressed yeshivish. It's weird. Not so in the chasidish/ba'al teshuvish shul next door. There you can dress any way you want and nobody will say boo. Others are there dressed weirdly too, some frum for many years. They simply do not care about external BS.

This bothered me once. Shouldn't a true Torah place (the Agudah shul, for example) be accepting of all yiddin? Well, it occurred to me that the yeshivish world is there mainly to uphold a standard. Even if it gets in the way of being sensitive and spiritual. They may feel that if they do not uphold this standard, who will? They do not feel as reb Shlomo C used to, that the deeper you bring jewish joy into the gutters with the yidden there, the better. Nu. To each his own, or as they say often in AA circles, "live and let live". I daven in the Agudah sometimes too, just to keep my head cool and remember that I am at best, a complete idiot compared to Hashem, who apparently wants an Agudah shul right here!

GYE is a bit of both those worlds. To some there, it is all about "what's right". It shows the way - and it has to. To others, it is mainly a safe place for lust/sex addicts to go for help. Nu. It's tough to do that on an open forum. So I guess they have to edit some stuff to keep a balance.

Let me admit there were things I was very uncomfortable about in some posts. What I usually do then, is just post that I can't read the thread any more, or will not participate in it. But I can't insult anyone (unless I feel sure that it will work for them!)... And I can't easily bring myself to edit in a recovery venue. It's just not what it's about to me.

Nu. Nothing and no one is perfect.