A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy, why is my name Rose?" She replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa. Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year.”
A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss. A couple of hours later, it's the red head's turn, so she walks up the stairs… and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's goin' on?" the red head asks. We're havin' a grand old time down below." The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had
settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth
wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he
had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money
falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly
picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it
home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon
me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored
car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
yesterday –"
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can chat for a while first.'
Thirty minutes passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another short while had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OKAY?!!’
To: My Bank
Dear Sirs,
One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".
In view of the current developments in the banking market, I must ask of you – does that refer to me or to you?
Yours Faithfully,
John Doe
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
