Why do we eat pomegranates on Rosh Hashana? I’ve seen it explained that “we should be full of mitzvos and good deeds like the pomegranate is full of seeds.” But there are other fruits that are full of seeds. Couldn’t we eat something a little tastier than a pomegranate?

This is why the Talmud says, “Even the most disconnected soul is full of mitzvos like a pomegranate.” A good deed has eternal worth, no matter who does it. So if you find yourself doing one mitzvah when you still don’t do others, you are not a hypocrite. You are a holy pomegranate.

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Dov answers “London”:

Dear London,

You have been blessed with a real recovery derech, which comes out in your posts. I have a lot to learn from you and hope I will. You brought up the fact that you find your connection to Hashem and yourself through yiddishkeit is really lacking. I read that you are in your fifth year of recovery and you obviously work the steps.

It seems to me that, ironically, of all aspects of avodas Hashem to get twisted up in our acting-out years, it is tefillah (or learning in a way to get close to Hashem) that suffers the most. I was getting frum around the time I was learning about acting out. We are all growing up into real frumkeit around that age, even if FFB. Because of my acting out, my relationship with Hashem was always exciting. “Take me back! Help! I’m so, so sorry…”, etc. Very emotionally charged through the power of guilt and failure coupled with yearning for the real thing. Bekitzur, I learned how to daven, and learned how to use davening to create and nurture a relationship with Hashem within the context of my sickness. But only within that context. No wonder it was all screwed up! The single area our disease needs to get vomited out the most in, may be tefilla. I think that is why it suffers the most, even though we need it the most in recovery. But, hey, what do you expect?

Around my second or third year, I talked to a guy with a lot more sobriety than I had, who was very frum. It was at the Cleveland SA convention. I told him I was not davening in a minyan except shabbos (somtimes sleeping through that – especially shabbos mevorchim for some strange reason, occasionally davening shacharis during the week in the closet at work, often hating it because I knew what I really wanted it to be like and it was empty, occasionally w/tefilin, sometimes w/o, and frequently skipping davening altogether. I often had no cheshek to daven maariv so I didn’t and often skipped mincha especially when going to an evening meeting. I told him it was driving me crazy. I knew it had to stop somehow. I told him that I firmly believed that my third step included the Torah/halacha. Beside myself , I was frustrated that after all I had come through and now that I seriously talked with my G-d, I just found no desire to do some things that I knew were His will. Mostly the davening and learning as a connection to him, fell through almost completely. (I still said brochos on food and sometimes actually remembered to bentch.) It made me feel worse than most of the (normal) people around me. Red flag for a lust drunk, for sure. Eventually, I’d drink…

He reminded me Hashem loves me so much, no matter what. He told me that he also loves me so much. He reminded me that there is a difference between Deoraisas and Derabbanans and suggested I consider going easy on myself in some derabannans – like Maariv (at least used to) being a reshus, for example, and that I stop beating myself up.

He suggested that I remember that the ikkar for me is staying sober, and that that is my madreiga now. Looking at others and remembering each person has an individual avodah is important. Finally he suggested I find something to hang onto and to do as best as I can, like putting on teffilin each day even for a few minutes, just to give a nachas ruach to Hashem, like a Korban. Well, to be honest with you, I cannot remember if he told me that or if it plopped into my head after speaking with him…anyway, it all helped.

I davened to Hashem exactly about what my concerns are and I said to Him: Hashem, you know I used to daven “better”. You know I am a very sick man and am recovering with your help today. Help me do your mitzvos, help me daven to you with even just a little feeling of connection some of the days. Help me daven to you even w/o any feeling at all, so that eventually you’ll give me the right feeling…. Stuff like that.

All this was not much nechomah, though it helped. I still knew I was growing in connection to Hashem and that I was yotzei some aspect of tefilla as the Rambam specifically describes Teffila as crying out to Hashem when in need. And I was in dire need of His help 5-10-20 times a day when a crazy idea pops up or a woman walks by, or I get a resentment or fear problem. That perspective helped me also. Over the next two years I found more heart and even occasional pleasure in davening and made some sedorim in learning material that I gravitated to (the details of which is beyond the scope of this email for now).

But I knew I wanted more. I believed the way of the tzaddikim included tefila kehalocha for a reason, and I wanted it. I also still believed that His will includes the shulchan aruch. Hashem helped me there, eventually.

Sorry this email is so long.

When I was ready, and by discovering good coffee, I began to attend an extra early AM shacharis. Heaven forbid for me to go to a regular 7:20 minyan! Well, that’s how I work. Anyway, then I bumped into two friends doing dirshu and learning before shacharis and joined that “movement”, learning w/another SA member for two years, and now w/a non-member (chuliluh!). I doubt anyone there knew that the real reason I was coming to the learning was to be commited to get to the shacharis! Who knows? Stuff like that started happenning more and more, and I saw bederch she’odom rotzeh leileich molichin oso, just not on my timetable.

I hope this was helpful, at least as chizuk, to you, Binyomin. I am getting hungry and tired so that’s all I’ve got. Please do not think I am looking down on you in any way. We are brothers in recovery.

Love, Dov.

PS – I recently discovered I cannot tolerate caffeine any more and must have decaf most of the time. Somehow it still works – Chasdei Hashem!