Join Duvid Chaim’s upcoming FREEDOM FLOTILLA with the launch of two simultaneous 12-Step groups on Monday, July 26 (Tu be'Av)!

Click here for more details

Not one, but Two Ships – are launching this time!

You will now have a choice of two groups:

• For the early birds – there is the Steve/Dov/Michael group with its daily call at 8:30 am East Coast time.
  
• For the Lunch & Learners – there is Duvid Chaim's usual NOON time (East Coast time) group.

Both groups will be on the same page, so you can come on board one or both, or switch times to your convenience.

Looking FORWARD,

Duvid Chaim

TaPhSiC Method (“Tafsik” means “Stop!” in Hebrew)

A powerful method for Frum addicts

We all want to stop. Whenever we think of the “big picture”, both spiritually and physically, we realize that sooner or later we HAVE to stop. But we often feel like two different people. We ask ourselves, do I have Yiras Shamayim or don’t I? What repercussions will it take to finally stop me? Do I have any hope?

Here is a method that has worked well with many Frum addicts, in helping them stop these destructive behaviors completely. It may not work for high-level addicts or for people with very little Yiras Shamayim, but for most frum addicts this method has worked wonders, and it has freed many people from the obsession.

So how does it work?

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Part 1

What Doesn’t Stop Us?

The first thing we need to do is to face the truth about ourselves.

 “Abstract” spiritual repercussions don’t generally stop me, even though I believe:

-          This is one of the most serious aveiros.

-          I am destroying my soul.

-          I am creating other destructive souls.

-          I am losing Siyyata Di’shmaya in all of my life (as the pasuk says, “ki yireh becha ervas davar veshav me’acharecha”).

-          I am cutting off my connection with Hashem.

-          I am desensitizing myself to spirituality.

-          I am making it ever harder to do Teshuvah.

-          It is making me feel like a hypocrite in all other Mitzvos I do.

-          I am destroying the “Yesod – foundation”, of my entire spiritual structure.

-          My kids can likely ‘sense’ that I am not sincere in my Yiddishkeit, overall.

-          These behaviors may likely spiral into worse aveiros.

-          I am/will likely end up cutting myself off from the World to Come.

-          Moshiach may come soon, and how will I face him?

In spite of the above, my Yiras Shamayim will generally NOT stop me from:

-          Looking at porn

-          Masturbating

-          Even if I make a shavuah to stop/avoid it, I’ll end up breaking it sooner or later; the desires are just too powerful.

Don’t feel bad that your Yiras Shamayim is not strong enough to stop you. It doesn’t mean you don’t have any. When Rav Yochanan Ben Zakai blessed his students before he died he said, "May your fear of heaven be equal to your fear of man". And his students asked him: "Rebbe, is that all?". And he answered: "Halevai!".

And even Rav Amram Raban Shel Chassidim (Kidushin 81/a) wasn’t able to stop himself when faced head-on with lust, without resorting to drastic measures. And as the Ohr Hachayim Hakadosh – whose Yartzeit is today – writes in Parshas Acharei Mos 18:2, that the addictive nature of these behaviors is so strong that without special “G-dly Strength”, it is practically impossible for someone who has started these behaviors to stop, regardless of how much Yiras Shamayim they may have. (For a translation of that Ohr Hachayim in English click here to download a PDF file.)

The physical “SHORT TERM” repercussions don’t stop me either, even though:

-          It makes me depressed.

-          I lose time from work.

-          I lose sleep.

-          I lose money.

-          I lose a close connection with my wife.

-          I feel distant from my children.

-          I don’t have time for anyone but “me”.

-          My whole life revolves around my next “fix”.

-          I feel like a slave to my desires.

The physical “LONG TERM” repercussions don’t stop me, even though:

-          My behaviors may be found out.

-          I can lose my good name.

-          I can lose my job.

-          I can lose my marriage.

-          I can lose my children.

-          My children may have a hard time with Shidduchim.

-          My children may need therapy one day for the trauma they may go through.

-          My behaviors will likely get worse.

-          I can end up in jail.

-          I can catch diseases.

-          I can end up suicidal or dead.

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Part 2

What Would Stop Us?

Now that we have faced the truth about ourselves we need to ask: What physical and spiritual repercussions WOULD stop us?

Spiritually speaking, what WOULD stop me?

-          I would not be Mechalel Shabbos to view porn, no matter how bad I wanted it. I would be able to wait 24 hours.

-          If the only way to get porn in the coming 24 hours was by eating a Ham sandwich first, I probably would hold out and not do it for 24 hours.

-          After I finish fully giving in to my desires, I don’t want to throw the rest of my Yiddishkeit away. I feel bad about it and I really do want to “come back” to Hashem. If I had a choice to push a “stop these aveiros forever” button, I would press it then.

What does this all show me? That I still do have a holy spark within me, and that my Yiras Shamayim is still existent. It may not be enough to stop me in general, but it is strong enough to make me want to get rid of these behaviors AFTER the act. And even before the act, it is strong enough to enable me to hold out for a while – when the spiritual repercussions are BIG (like Chillul Shabbos or eating Treif). What we can see from this is that there ARE spiritual repercussions that would stop us, if they were only BIG enough – and/or when we’re not under the spell of lust.

Now let’s look at the physical side of the coin. What WOULD stop me?

-          If I was about to act out and someone walked in to the room, would I continue?

-          If every time I acted out, I would become racked with pain, would I continue?

-          If there was an electronic eye following me, and every time I acted out, my wife or Rebbe would find out right away, would I continue?

-          If every time I acted out I would feel sick and I would have to take a bus to the hospital, stay there for 2 hours, and get a shot to return me to normal, would I continue?

What does this all show me? That there ARE physical repercussions that would stop me, if only they were BIG enough.

To sum up: Although the “normal” physical and spiritual repercussions, both short term and long term, are not enough to stop me, there still do exist spiritual and physical repercussions that WOULD stop me, if they were big enough and immediate enough.

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Part 3

Finding the Perfect Formula

So all we have to do now is find the perfect formula; a combination of spiritual and physical repercussions that ARE big enough to stop us.

On the spiritual side, we have seen that AFTER the fact (when the desires have been quieted), we are much more willing to do what it takes to stop the NEXT occurrence. And we have also seen that we are able to hold out better when the spiritual repercussions are BIGGER.

So let’s try this:

If we made a Shavuah in the name of Hashem (and actually pronounce Hashem’s name) that AFTER we act out (on our bottom line behaviors) we will do x,y or z – would we keep this Shavuah?

I believe we all would. After all, it is AFTER the acting out. The desires have already been silenced and we feel bad. We don’t want to throw away the rest of our Yiddishkeit. We would NEVER be Mechalel Shabbos now just because we acted out 5 minutes ago. So would we not keep a Shavuah that we made in the name of Hashem? Will we transgress one of the 10 commandments “Lo sisah es Shem Hashem Elokecha lashav – Do not swear in G-d’s name in vain”? Surely we will try very hard to keep our Shavuah.

(Note: Normally making vows is frowned upon by our sages as with someone playing with fire, but when it comes to girding oneself from sexual temptation we find that making vows is praised by the Torah and by Chaz"al. As the Pasuk says "Nishbati Va'akayeima, lishmor Mishpatei Tzidkecha – I have vowed and will uphold it, to guard your righteous laws". And also it says "Nishba Lehora Velo Yamir – Oseh eileh lo Yimot Le'olam – He who swears to prevent bad and does not nullify… he will never falter". And Chaza"l also say that Bo'az swore to guard himself from transgressing when Ruth came to him in the silo at night, as it says "Chai Hashem, Shichvi ad haboker – "In the name of G-d, lay here until morning".)

So now we need to address the PHYSICAL side of the equation. What will we make the Shavuah to do?

It has to be something hard and painful. Not too hard that we would be willing to even trample on Hashem’s name c”v, but hard enough to make us not want to act out next time. Something we know will hurt, but something we know we can – and will – keep.

Some examples might be: “Shvuah bisheim Ado-nai – for one week, that if I masturbate, then within the following 24 hours, I will:

-          tell my wife

-          tell my Rebbe

-          take a bus to the kever of a tzadik and stay there for 2 hours before coming home.

-          fast for 24 hours

-          give ‘x’ (a painful) amount of money to Tzedaka. (This doesn’t always work well for everyone).

At first, these Shavu’os should be for short periods of time (like the example above – i.e. one week). If we see that this is working well, we can extend the Shavuah for longer periods of time. If we see that the deterrent turns out not to be strong enough for us, we might need to find something a little more painful.

It’s a delicate balance, but with careful thought and siyatta dishmaya, most Frum addicts can find the formula that really works for them, over time. And once we have found it, we will know. There will be a sudden feeling of joy – a tremendous new freedom in our lives. We will feel like we have literally been freed from the self-imposed “prison” that we have been living in for so many years!

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WARNING: Although TaPHSiC method is very powerful, finding the perfect formula is delicate and DANGEROUS business. If we vow to do something too painful, we run the risk that we’ll break our vow, which besides for the serious sin, can lead to deterioration since the person can chas veshalom feel that if he has transgressed this terrible sin, there’s no hope for him anyway!. On the other hand, if it’s not painful enough, there’s always the risk of continued falls. Feel free to send your Shavuah ideas to us before making them, for advice.

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NOTES: The TaPHSiC method is like putting an electrified fence at the edge of a cliff. If you come close to the edge, you will be “shocked” and back away. However, it goes without saying that if someone continues to walk alongside the edge of the cliff, the repeated shocks will start becoming very painful. At some point, he may just turn the electricity in the wires off, which will lead to a fall soon after. Or at some point, even the electricity won’t help and he’ll stumble and fall through the fence.

Therefore, in conjunction with this powerful method, it is vital to put up other fences as well; fences that will keep us far away from the “edge of the cliff”. This means installing a good filter. And on top of that filter, we need to install an “Accountability system” as well, such as eBlaster or Webchaver which sends reports of our internet usage to someone we would be ashamed to disappoint. This makes the “physical repercussions” all the more real, and keeps us far from even trying to find loop-holes in our filter.

We also need to learn to keep busy and to replace our acting out with alternative fulfillment, such as finding hobbies that interest us, spiritual discovery and growth, and reconnecting with life more; with our wives, kids, family, friends and community. (See our Kosher Isle for some great ideas on hobbies, activities and spiritual growth.)

Also, for some “higher-level” addicts, the withdrawal symptoms can become excruciating. Therefore, it is advisable to have a support system in place before trying the TaPHSiC method; either a therapist or a live SA group where we can share our pain in withdrawal, or even a good friend (from the forum perhaps) who we can call and “talk it out” with when times get tough.

Also, for some addicts, living suddenly without the “drug” we have come to rely on can lead to serious depression or a deep feeling of inner void. A psychiatrist can evaluate us and subscribe temporary medication that can take “the edge” off these feelings. For example, there are SSRI medications today that have almost no side effects and can be taken for just a year or so, until we are more balanced and more used to living life without our “drug”.

The bottom line is, that although this method is like putting a strong electric fence at the edge of the cliff to stop us when all else fails, we need to continue to use the many tools of the GYE handbook to keep ourselves safely away from the edge.

My husband is 30 years old and we've been married for 8 years. For the last 7 years (perhaps even longer, I don’t know) he's been a Lust addict. I've caught him with newspapers, with a magazine, on the internet, masturbating, etc. There have been many ups and downs over the years (mostly downs) and I'm slowly reaching a point of despair. I am so full of questions and doubts, and most of all I have no-one to talk to. We recently started therapy with someone local but I'm not sure he's a sex addictions therapist so I wonder if it will help.

We have 5 children (my baby is only 12 weeks old, the oldest is 7) so divorce will only be a completely last resort. What makes me so despairing is that I will never really know (or trust) my husband again. Most of the times when we have sex his mind is elsewhere. He focuses only on his pleasure and not on mine. It is reaching a point that we are both not really interested in each other anymore.

What also saddens me so much is that it is always ME (as the wife) who gets us help. Over the years, it was only when I found him out with another "something" that prompted us to go to a Rabbi or askan. It was only when I was in mid pregnancy (about 6 months ago) that thngs came to a head again – my husband ignored me for about 4 weeks straight and I confronted him about it – he admitted his guilt. I told him that if we don't seek help we are separating, so we started therapy. This is what bothers me – WHY WILL HE NEVER SEEK HELP on his own?? How will he ever become better if he doesn't really want to help himself???? He is always very remorseful and feels bad, but does he really mean it deep down?? How will I ever know?

And they all said the same thing to me… "it's all in your hands… it all depends on the wife.. .the wife can make or break a home etc." Well guess what – I'm fed up of it being up to me. I've tried enough, and it doesn't seem to work. I am now 3 months after my baby and don't yet want to go to Mikva. If I can't keep my husband from sinnng anyway, what seems to be the point?

Although as I mentioned before, my husband is very caring and helpful generally, he is very uncaring when it comes to sex. He hardly kisses me, and hardly does what I ask (believe me I am not so demanding! even the basics!) I will always do what he wants. Then, he will tell me sincerely (in a non-sex moment, or even in a mid-sex moment) that he loves me. What kind of lies is that? About a year ago we had a sincere discussion in which I asked him that it doesn't work for me without kissing – he was very understanding and promised to change. Do you think the next time was any different?? Where were his sincere promises?? I felt like I was talking to a brick wall.

I am slowly falling apart. I have no-one to talk to. A part of me still loves my husband. We had a wonderful shonoh rishona and I hate him for throwing that away. He helps me alot and for that I am thankful, but a large part of me hates him. I hate what he's putting me through. I feel completely betrayed, used, the fifth wheel, the servant in the house. Why are we still together?

I have so many questions. How can a frum Yid, who davens 3 times a day and learns for a few hours each day behave like this?? What about the Kesuba? What about our 5 sweet children? I shudder to think with what thoughts they were created… WHy Why Why? It breaks my heart – are we not told that to have erliche children they must be made with holy thoughts? A rebbe told my husband that with this behaviour he is throwing all his brochos into the dustbin – we are struggling financially and in other areas. How can he throw away my life, his life, and the children's life like that?? I feel so hopeless. I feel there is no life for me in this world nor in the next.

I don't understand anything anymore. I don't have any koach anymore. When I get into these low moods (like I am now) I stop functioning. I don't clean the house, and I barely look at my kids, nor my husband. I feel terrible about this as well. Sometimes I feel like going into bed and not waking up.

Dear precious Jewish woman, 

Your plight is the same as so many others today. Your husband will not get help unless he hits bottom, and he will only hit bottom if you threaten to leave him and make him realy believe that. Maybe then he will be willing to come to GuardYourEyes for guidance – on his own. When he does, we will have him join our daily chizuk e-mails, our 12-Step phone conferences, and suggest he post about his struggles on the forum. If this is still not enough, you must continue to threaten you will leave him until he takes his recovery to the next level and joins a live 12-Step SA group in his area. A therapist can also help, but only if he is trained in addictions.

You must realize that this is a very powerful addiction, and although I believe your husband does love you deep down, and he does want to recover deep down, he WILL NOT until he has no choice. That is the power of this disease.

I suggest you join a live S-Anon group in your area, which is a support group for spouses of addicts. You will learn how to GET YOUR HUSBAND into serious recovery and keep him there, and you will get tremendous support from the group. I also encourage you to sign up for our "Spouses of Addicts" forum. Sign up here and tell me your username and I'll give you access.

Please read also the links on the second half of this page.

May Hashem give you strength to deal with this, and also to help your husband reach his tikkun.

I grew up in a very large family. My dad never worked, so we never had any money. Since he was often home, he had a lot of extra time to harass us kids. We moved around the world often, which made things “really nice” – being newcomers every few years. Of course, daddy is a very big Talmid Chochom, since as a youngster he learned most of his days, but as our Sages in Avos already said; learning alone isn’t enough to keep you sane. But I guess he was smarter.

In cheder I was a very good kid; naive, eidal, & a good learner. I never made any trouble in cheder. I did make trouble at home, since it was a hellish place in which to grow up.

I was molested at age 9. Ever since then, I am in pain -  terrible pain. On the outside life continued as normal, but deep inside I was torn apart from guilt, shame, fear, and all the rest. I buried the pain within me. I never told anyone, as I didn’t have whom to tell. Even if I’d have had the courage to tell my melamed, I would probably have been taken into the ‘makos room’ and been given my 39 makos for being such a bad boy.

I grew up & became a bocher, burying the secret even deeper. In yeshiva, I had all the normal struggles teens have, as well as needing to resist the advances of a friend who just wanted to ‘have some inappropriate fun’ and inadvertently add salt to my open wound.

I left that yeshiva at age 14, and went to a small yeshiva for one zman. That’s when dad got his share ‘big time’. One of my family members went completely off the derech. This caused his power to crumble a bit. For those few months, I was sent to live elsewhere, and at 14 ½ I was shipped off to Israel; probably the youngest American boy in Jerusalem. In a certain way I felt free, as I didn’t need to keep up with the monster, & I didn’t even call home for the first few months.

I have just given you a VERY short diary of what happened through the years until now. But I just don’t have the energy to dig it all up and expose it, as I will probably make my desk here wet from tears.

I was in Israel for four years until I turned 18, and then I came home to get married. But as had happened in the past, no Yeshivahs wanted me. During the previous z’man in Israel, I had major financial issues, became a heavy smoker and had dropped it all. So I didn’t know enough to pass the farher/interview. But we made some phones calls here and there, and I got in a good yeshiva in NY, where I earned a very good name right away.

After one zman, I became engaged to the girl my JERK FATHER picked for me. I had no choice, and married the frummy he wanted, went to Kolel, and played along. I was miserable as hell 3 months into the marriage. I bought porn magazines and started leading a double life. Not being allowed to work by my family, I had a lot of extra time on my hands. I became involved in chat rooms, adult forums, sex lines, & all the rest. Even after my wife stopped working and I entered the working world, I was busy chasing women.

Seven years into marriage, I finally told my wife that I am not happy with her. She promised to change for me, and did come forward a drop, but it still didn’t help me much and I just got worse and worse. B”H I never met-up with anyone in person so my hands are clean, but my mind & heart are all messed up from years of doing the wrong things. Over the past three years I have had suicidal thoughts, and if not for the kids, I would have done it without blinking an eye. 

I reached a breaking point a few months ago, and decided I needed professional help. My wife now knows about my molestation but feels she is not a part of the problem, since I am the abused spouse. But let’s not discuss that here.

So here I am. I’ve spent 20 years of my life in garbage and didn’t accomplish anything. If Hashem would give me the chance to die today, I would gladly take it.

Life is full of struggles, and I know people always say “you can make it”, “you can do it”. I have tried throughout the years, but have come to a point that I unfortunately lost faith in Hashem. I am working on it really hard, but every few days when I hit a bump, I fall back. 

I have written all this so you understand where I am coming from.

My advice to everyone is: Don’t keep secrets! It cost me my life, my business, & who knows what else. It does not help to hide things.

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At 90 days clean “JIP” writes:

90 days! I owe a thank you to everyone for helping me get here, but the biggest thank you, of course, goes to Rabbi Guard. I don’t know of anyone in our generation who has created anything as powerful as Guardyoureyes.I am totally indebted to you.

I wouldn’t have managed without the help of my fellow members, who gave me constant chizuk & advice. A special thanks to those who shared their personal experiences & those who were in touch with me offline. They gave their time and concern for a fellow Jew whom they don’t know & most likely never will. That’s real chesed shel emes. You didn’t let me down in my darkest days – and there were many, days when I wished I’d never been born and was contemplating suicide.

When I first joined this site, I felt like a young child. I was overwhelmed by what was going on here and what was going on in my own world. Everything seemed so far away and foreign. After a while I changed my mind-set and started moving; asking questions, getting answers, arguing about this addiction. At first, I rejected the "addiction" label. Eventually I decided, "who cares what it’s called; sickness, struggle, addiction or any other sweet name? Either way,  it’s a blockage in a person’s mind, holding him back from himself and from growing closer to Hashem".

I would like to share a few things I learned, which might help others: 

1. A strong filter is imperative. There is no way to overcome this with open access to all the dirt on the web.

2. We need a safe group of friends such as on GYE, where one may discuss, vent, ask or share with others who really understand and care.

3. Understand that this addiction is VERY harmful.Get out as soon as possible!

4. Feel yourself at rock bottom, and understand that you can no longer afford to fail. Believe that you can do it!

5. Honestly analyze yourself and realize that this may require outside help such as a therapist, an understanding rabbi, an older friend, etc. In most cases, this behavior stems from some other problem within you that caused this addiction.

Guardyoureyes often mentions that it takes 90 days to break a habit. I am not sure how it works and I really don’t care how it works; all I know is that it does. I now have only a very tiny urge to go back to the old bad stuff such as porn and masturbation. I no longer see it as "my problem solver" anymore, and I look back on all the  years I was doing it with disgust.

Does it mean that I am never going to fall back? Not necessarily, but at least I now have the will to succeed. I know that in order not to fall, I need to keep my eyes and mind as clean as possible.

I have also learned over these three months that Hashem is in control. Turn to Him whenever you feel down. He doesn’t charge, is within reach anytime and anywhere. All it takes are a few simple words from your heart. I cried to Him many times over this period and always felt much better afterward. Picture Hashem standing next to you, watching everything you do. And know that he is proud of you!

Contrast – Sometimes I think back to those grotesque images which I have not seen for 90 days and I think, could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I “gave up”, and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.

Appreciation – I cannot express my appreciation enough to everyone here at GYE for literally saving my soul. I have received so much from you; so much Insight and understanding. But most of all support and guidance, and the feeling that in the times of darkness there are some very dear people out there who care. Thank you all so much. And of course I look forward to the grand GYE kumsits with all of you, with the Shor HaBor and the Leviasan!

Privilege – It has been the most amazing experience to have contact with so many emotionally and spiritually deep people/Neshomos. It has made me feel emotionally alive. I have had the opportunity to express my emotions and feelings without feeling inhibited or childish. And I also feel spiritually alive. A special type of Avodah different to learning and daavening, but what gives more meaning and amplifies to all Ruchniyos.

Yet I feel some disappointment. Here at GYE we see have everyone has their own struggles. I might be wrong but it seems that there are different levels of addicts. I feel that my own addiction was just a bad habit I could not get out of and needed to be broken. What did it take? Openness and frank confrontation with my feelings and weaknesses.; getting out of isolation and realizing that there is an effective way of breaking the habit. And more than anything a framework within which to do this and the support which I received. And that is the tragedy. Why did it have to take so long to discover something so simple? I am sure that there are so many low level addicts out there like me, that don’t need therapy or SA groups, just a healthy perspective and attitude, support and communication, realization that you are not alone or the only one and to be given the opportunity to talk from their heart. Why is the frum community continuing to deny this to themselves? 

Here is an example of what a difference in attitude can make. A while back I started a thread on the forum about whether to buy a laptop or not. In the end I bought one because I had to. I know that before I found GYE I could never have trusted myself with a laptop and for that reason I would never have bought it. B”H because of GYE I was able to buy it and so far I have never had the temptation to “abuse” it (Yes, I do still have a Y”H!!)  

The main lesson that I learned over the last few months has been to appreciate and be happy with what I have, and not be constantly looking at what I do not. All the lust and fantasizing comes from wanting just that little bit which is out of your grasp. I learnt to stop “looking” away from myself.  Yes, guarding your eyes begins in the eye of your mind. If something does not interest you, then you do not lust for it.

Finally, no words will suffice to thank R’ Guard enough for being HaShem’s Shliach in saving my soul. HaShem should give you the Koach to continue in you holy work, and there is no doubt that you will be in the front lines to greet Mashiach Tzidkainu! 

I grew up in a modern orthodox home with very few restrictions placed on TV, internet, magazines, and other such popular media that feed us images, ideas and beliefs which serve to uproot our sense of happiness and self control.

After spending a year in Israel and getting married, I was assured that I was one of the lucky ones that came out of an American upbringing fairly clean and pure. I am now girl in my mid twenties, with several small children in right-wing frum Yeshivot. After a few years of being married I found myself attracted to other men, but did nothing about it, since I knew it was wrong. After several more years, and severe bouts of depression, things started to fall through. I was approached by a married man who was interested in me. I refused at first, but after a year or so, I gave in to a full blown affair. After it ended I was crushed, so I sought more guys to  make the pain go away. I used guys like drugs, and had affair after affair after affair. It wasn’t as simple as I thought it would be to have an affair, and I hadn’t realized the grave danger that I put myself in, each time I was with a different guy. I was stalked, raped, and hurt several times, and yet it was not enough to stop me.

During all of this, one of the guys that I approached told me about GYE and put me in touch with their fearless leader himself – (the one they call) “Guard”.  I poured out my soul to him, and instead of being reprimanded and told that I was going to go to gehenom, I received several emails from him that began,  "Dear Bas Yisroel",  Dear Precious daughter of Hashem",  "Dear holy neshama".   His emails of care and concern pierced my heart and gave me hope that one day I will be more than an addict looking to satisfy my lust. I started to get involved in the GYE forum, and after carefully thinking about my situation, Guard set me up with a GYE sponsor. They even got me in touch with Rabbai Avraham Twerski, which is quite a difficult task. 

Rav Twerski diagnosed me as having a lust addiction and told me that there is little hope other than a 12 step program. I sought out therapist after therapist, but the only ones that were able to understand me and to lead me even close to where I needed to go, was Guard and his army. I kept pushing off joining a 12 step program with various excuses, until GYE had to show me some tough-love. They told me that they are ALWAYS there to help me, but I need to attend meetings if I am to be allowed to be an active part of the community. They don’t want fakers, or empty promises on their forum.  For a while, I felt dejected and withdrew, but it forced me to go to those meetings. And all along, the Malach  of a  sponsor (let’s call him Malachi – my angel) that Guard sent to me, watched me from afar and never let go. 

Malachi and Guard took over my life and cared for me like no one has ever done. Malachi took over all of my e-mails accounts and social networking sites, and took charge of my life for me, as I was too weak and too addicted to see my pitfalls. My judgment was so ‘off’, that I needed Malachi to take charge of things before I went even further down the road to gehenom.  Malachi chased guys away and saved me from guys who were threatening me and using me.  He called, e-mailed and was available to be texted 24 hours a day. Guard and Malachi never, never left me alone.  EVEN at one point when I slapped them in the face by falling to a level so low that I didn’t deserve to be taken back, they picked me up, shook me up, and saved me.

I am just one person, and one life that they saved. We all know that if one saves a life, it is as if they saved the entire world. THIS IS GYE!!!! By saving me, they saved my kids, my grandkids and so on.  If they wouldn’t have taken care of me spiritually and mentally and made sure the guys out there weren’t hurting me physically, I would no doubt be dead. The world is burning, and they are working around the clock to put out the fires in every home and every broken soul that comes to them. While everyone else is sticking their head in sand about this desperate situation that plagues our holy nation (you only have to look as far as Craigslist, Facebook and even some so-called “frum” adultery websites that I don’t want to mention here, to see how real this problem truly is).

GYE stepped up and took control. They are not only working with the fringe of our society or the erev rav, they are helping Rebbeim, professionals, and G-d fearing Jews take control of their lives before their lust destroys them completely. I know first hand of over 50 men that live in the frum world and have frum families that are struggling with this, and this is just from my own personal encounters.

For some time I doubted that Guard and Malachi were human, because they knew too much, did too much, and cared only like Hashem could care for a broken soul. "Ki avi v’imi azvuni Va’Hashem Yaasefeni" - everyone else gave up on me, besides for the malachei Hashem that run GYE.  

B"H doing well. Still going strong, although the summer is tough. I'm one year clean this Sunday, you can  update my chart on the "Wall of Honor". That doesn't mean I'm "in control" or "recovered" though, not only are those conclusions dangerous, they're not true! I find that my madregah is proportionate to my connection to Ruchniyus. If I learn every day and occupy my mind with Torah and Hashkafah, I'm in good shape. If I let even brief thoughts of lust slip in, I feel myself sliding – it's so powerful. Lust and Ruchniyus are mutually exclusive! One will not coexist with the other and lust will crowd out any competition. Despite knowing this, I face daily challenges. I know that the "do not cross" line is still not very clear for me. Once I slide, it's a very short road to acting out, despite being clean and despite all I've achieved. This terrifies me and keeps me in check.

I'd like to stay in touch more often, but I get the feeling that you're swamped now with the site's continued success. B"H it's taking root! Of course it would be better if fewer people needed it, but the site is the cure, not the cause. 

I read every e-mail on both Chizuk lists and get a tremendous amount of insight and Chizuk. Your efforts are much appreciated.  

Keep up the good work!

Daily Dose of Dov

Dov is sober in SA for over 13 years. See his story here.

Someone wrote to Dov:

I recently fell after a clean period of 40 days, and it hurts. How can I finally beat this thing so that I never come back to it? I want to do a real, permanent Teshuva rather than having the difficulty to build till I just lose again!

Dov replies:

Don't kill me here please; the answer may not seem to make much sense, but here it is:

Recovery has to be worked one day at a time. There cannot be 40 days… it has to be for today only. This is not a pep-talk I am giving here, I am sharing with you what actually works for me. That's what you want it seems, not just "hashkafa".

Is there "obliteration" of the lust?

I have no idea and it's none of my business, but I have been sober today so far for thirteen+ years, and don't care to look back yet to check the success. Tzaddikim will look back (after death) and see a mountain, and cry in wonder: How did we do that?! We were just trying to be OK (in our case: sober) for one day… and look at what it became! A giant pile of years!" Excuse me, but these tzaddikim are not stupid – they know that their 27,000 days add up to about 75 years. But that's not the point at all. They are shocked because they never tried to overcome a mountain! It was always only that day that they were concerned with, be"H. 

As long as my struggle is just to not act out, it remains a contest between me and my addiction. And the stakes build with time. We cannot "hold out" on our own indefinitely, even one day at a time, I believe. It's a mountain and we cannot overcome it, period. In my case at least, I have come to see that it is inevitable that I'll screw up eventually. Sobriety only succeeds if Hashem grants me a reprieve from my powerlessness over lust for this one day. To allow Him (yes, allow Hashem) to do that for me, I must learn how to maintain my spiritual condition today and remain vigilant because I tend to lie to myself and forget my disability. For me, that is the height of sheker and ga'ava. It closes me off from His help. To do this, I use the steps and a chevra (fellowship). I know of no other way to maintain the honesty, openness, and willingness that I need in order to keep myself out of Hashem's way.

I don't need perfection, nor do I need to deserve this daily miracle. I just need to surrender to the truth about myself and begin to put my life in His care today. I must live in the present – right now – and not get distracted by tomorrow or yesterday.

And I can't do it alone. I need regular meetings with like-minded people, a sponsor, friends who I can call daily, and to develop a real and simple relationship with a G-d of my very own. Elohai. That's what yidden always meant when they used that word in davening – He's my G-d. Dodi li – "my Beloved is for me".

I may still need a lot of work, I may be a mess. But I have found that He'll accept me anyway. 

This is the real deal: Real emunah, not tzidkus nor perfection, just the real thing.

Does this help?

Exercises from Duvid Chaim's "Take out Menu"

on the Big-Book Lunch & Learn Cruise

 
I want to congratulate our Group on the completion of the first two weeks of our "cruise". I can see how the members are being more open in their sharing, and I can tell already that we're building a very special and "safe" container for us to come to regularly. I feel like we are creating a sort of "Vaad" to deal with one of the biggest taivos we are faced with.

 
As of today, we have completed the reading in the Big Book up to the second to last paragraph on page 12. If you would like to join our group in this coming week or if you have missed any of the calls, please be sure to catch up.

At this point in Bill's Story, we see that he is turning the corner from the rock bottom of his addiction. We see how Bill is reacting to meeting his Sponsor – a man of recovery.
 
Like all addicts, we are the first to throw doubt at a Program of Change. We are still living the delusion that we can wrestle happiness out of life, and that by exerting our will power that we can "fix" whatever is wrong with us. 

WRONG!!
 
As we have been discussing, it is only through "surrender" that we can find victory. For the first time, we are faced with the ugly truth that WE are getting in the WAY of our own Success.

Yes, we need to climb out of G-d's Throne. We need to take off His Robes. We are NOT in control; He is. Only then can we begin to see the miracles and awesomeness of Hashem's creation.

I wanted to remind everyone about the "Take-Out Exercises" for the next few days:

• First - be sure to stay on the alert to find an A&W Moment ("Awe & Wonder" – a moment where you feel Hashem in your life). With practice over time, you will see how easy this becomes, and you will see how it increases yourd'eivakus with Ribono Shel Olam.

• Second - and new to the Group - is to be aware of how often you exert control in your daily affairs. Pay attention to your behavior. Be aware of how your run and brush aside someone in Shul to grab a Siddur, or how you insist that you get the first serving of brisket at the table, or how you use your sharp witted mind to argue your point – regardless of how it affects your wife, your friend or co-worker. And the list goes on. Why do we do this? Because we're just like "babies with their grabby little hands" always reaching out for more and crying if someone else has the toys we want. So, try this exercise and count how many times a day you put yourself FIRST. I think you'll be amazed.