After a heroic 88 days clean, "Letakein" had a small fall, after which she posted the following heartfelt poem:

I huddled in my jacket
As the wind began to blow
I felt the leaves crunch underfoot
So dead, so lost, so low
I watched as more leaves fell
And they tumbled to the ground
The people would all step on them
Their loss would then resound
Yellow brown and orange
holding tightly to the tree
knowing if they fell off
that there their end would be
The leaves are broken now
And they won't be whole once more
Instead they're being buried
Deep inside the earthly …

I want to publicly thank reb Guard and the entire GYE family! Today is day 30- I can not believe that I’ve reached a full month! You all held me up, literally saving me when I felt weak and I can’t imagine my life without all of you! You are each such a meaninful part of my days. Thank you all for being there.
My life was in ruins
in shambles, torn in a million peices
I was a double
of my real self
that was hidden away
so deeply
that I never could dig deep enough
it …

I yearned to be on top,
To reach the tip of the mountain.
I envisioned myself -
Jumping over rocks,
Kicking away the obstacles,
Gliding between the trees,
Flying up the steep incline,
In perfect balance
exhilarated .
Climbing higher
And higher
All the way up…
In reality ,
I see myself-
bumping into hard rocks ,
Blocked by obstacles,
Surrounded by dense trees,
Tumbling down the steep decline,
Losing my balance
bruised  and bloodied.
Slipping lower
And lower
All the way down…
Then I heard a voice from high up
way way up there
My child, my dearest  child
Please listen a moment
Take a step off the mountain
And come beside me
See the valley
Down there below?
That, …

You protected me from conflict
And soothed my shattered self,
You were my friend when I was lonely,
And when boredom came to rest.
You were my friend when lovers refused me,
You always pleased me,
At first I blamed you on pure curiosity,
then you got the better of me.
I couldn’t get enough of you,
Now I’m getting rid of you!
Goodbye addiction, you meant so much to me,
when I escaped into my fantasy world to escape
my fears and insecurities.
Being anonymous made me feel powerful, sly and invisible,
But deep inside you ended up making me feel miserable.
I latched …

I almost can’t stop looking at the unclean
It’s so hard to turn away to forget what I have seen
I really want to be good, to stop acting out
But every time I try, I’m all filled with doubt
Each moment is a struggle, it’s too much to bear
I need this comfort, To me it’s like air
But time after time Hashem helps me out
I manage to look away, to be more devout
Without you Hashem, what would I do?
I’d be stuck in the cycle, no one to turn to
I need to stay strong, to …

Why do I struggle and battle inside
while outside it appears I have nothing to hide?
two lives, I feel I sometimes lead
an inside will, an outside feed.
How can I conjoin these two sides together
that I should feel as I act and never to sever
the life in my hands, the thoughts in my head,
the desire to be real, not disparate instead?
Hashem will help me if I daven and sway,
if I do my bit, He will meet me half way,
If I join together myself and Hashem,
from my predicament redemption will stem.

This heartzige niggun is dedicated to Uri and all bochrim
With love : Bardichev
SOMEWHERE ON HIGH
FURTHER THAN THE EYE
THE SOULS OF TZADDIKIM UNITE
AND BASK IN HASHEM’S DELIGHT
THEY ARE STUNNED TO HEAR
FROM THEIR KINDERLACH, SO DEAR
A WAR WAS WAGED, A BATTLE WAS WON.
OY! MOSHIACH CAN FINALLY COME
TZADDIKIM, DANCE A REKKIDAH
V’CHASSIDIM YOGILU B’RINAH
THE LAST GENERATION
HAS FINALLY BROUGHT THE GEULAH
THERE IS ONE WOMAN WHO CRIED AND SMILED
YES, YES, IT WAS MY CHILD
HE DID THE TRICK
HE LAID THE FINAL BRICK
MY SON WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
YOU DID IT FOR EVERYONE.
MY SON, WHO WOULD HAVE BELEIVED?
LOOK AT …

They wipe my brow and soothe me
It’s all over, worst is done
Your puzzled frown does greet me
And I know we’ve just begun.
The pain of birth fast fading
As pink sunrise greets the day
A surge of love enfolds me
As I hold my fears at bay.
How innocent and trusting
Your bright eyes and hands tight clasp
I wish a life protected
Was a gift within my grasp.
CHORUS:
And though their glitter pulls us
We’ve the treasure and the key
Trust Hashem and hold Him close
For then you’re truly free.
But as waves upon the shore
Forever surge then ebb away
Your life’s …